Hope Springs Eternal

A New Year - A Revolution

2012-01-11T22:45:00.005-06:00

In 2011 I felt little motivation to blog. It began to feel very useless to me – the scattering of one's thoughts out into cyberspace. So many words spoken and written over the course of even one minute. So it just seemed pointless in my mind to add to them.

I was weary of all of the posturing and arguing - dissecting politics and theology. I became extremely weary of religion in general because it's like a weed that crowds out the very best in us – crowding out God himself. Religion suffocates. Strangles the very life out of the soul who was truly designed for so much more than vain arguments and power plays.

So I took a big step back and just began to watch life play out with new eyes – a brand-new perspective on God and the relationship I have with the One who created me. It's been quite a journey. God has become extremely expansive and intimately near. He is the greatness that orchestrates every facet of this amazing planet – the Divine Choreographer of what we call life. Sadly his Symphony was drowned out by my own internal noise – the longing for success, the desire to measure up, and perpetual need to sound like I had answers.

Today I rest peacefully in the tension that exists between the question-and-answer. I'm witness to the beauty of the chaos of life. Especially a life of active, intentional faith.

I've used a lot of words in my life – I'm a real talker. And sometimes I think when you lump all of us Christians up together there's a lot more jabbering than action. All the while a world looks on – in a perplexed sort of way – wondering what we are really up to. I've wasted time debating when I should've been doing. Serving. Giving. And I've missed the point Christ was trying to make while he walked on this planet Earth. I'm to follow what he taught – looking to his example and living it out.

For the last seven years I've walked inside a women's prison every week. They have been my teachers. Showing me how to love with patience while leaving the rest in God's hands. The noise of religion – the perfectly engineered answers and legalistic expectations – has been silenced. And the beautiful sounds of authenticity in God's presence have brought such liberty to this captive soul.

I didn't make any New Year's resolutions. Why waste my time as I know myself better than that. But I do want to begin a revolution in this New Year. I believe a simple smile can start a movement. Kindness, when it's least expected, becomes a powerful weapon. I believe looking like Christ is far better than sounding like a Christian. And I want to be about the business of looking more and more like Him. He was, and is after all, a revolutionary!

Surprise!

2011-03-31T22:36:00.007-05:00

Other than starting thirty minutes late, this past Tuesday night seemed pretty typical at the prison. We arrived and made the chapel ready for the girls to come down. We waited and looked out over the prison yard. Soon they were filing out of the pods and making their way toward us with hurried feet.

Loads of hugs.
Lots of "I've really got to talk to you..."
Many "I've had the worst week ever..."
One "My sister (sobs) has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (more sobs)" and more hugs.

Each week is filled with the highs and lows of over 60 women. Then came the surprise... I didn't see it coming. Didn't have enough faith to think it might be possible.

BUT - after 6 years of sharing the love of Christ with one particularly hard-headed, God resistant and wall building woman - it seems that Love has broken down walls. I learned this woman, who has not been a choir member for over a year, wants to talk to me about... CHRIST!

Now, you could have punched me in the face and it would not have phased me in this moment - I was stunned. Shocked. And the lump rose in my throat and the tears crept into the corners of my eyes... and I let it dawn on my soul - the impact of such a request. I just never believed - and God reminds me that I need my faith to grow more...

Sadly, the officers would not send her down this past Tuesday - Ahhh - but in a few days we will talk. Pray for her as she is so close to crossing the line of faith. I am thrilled at the thought!

We love.
We love when people shove back.
We love when people say - NO.
We love when people shout - NEVER. Keep on loving them.
And one day - Love might surprise you!

Galatians 6: 9-10 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

Echo

2011-03-04T20:43:00.003-06:00

When you stand at the edge of a gorge the size of the Grand Canyon and shout out "Hello!" you will hear a response. Someone will call back "HELLO! HEllo! hellooooooooo"
The familiar echo of your own voice.

So maybe I am typing on my computer keyboard and hoping I will not simply hear an echo this time around. I hope someone is on the receiving end of this delayed message and will shout back!

It has been a long time since I blogged. Why? Well... can I shoot straight with you? Get real with ya? Here's the deal -

If there is such a thing as soul searching - then I have been on an intensive hunt. My soul wasn't missing, but my passion has been. I put out an all points bulletin to seek to locate the passion that escaped. It has made me scratch my head and interrogate my heart for answers - minus the need for a bright light and an officer who smells of a blend of cigarettes and strong coffee.

I am still asking questions and God is never afraid of a single one of them. And if anyone is listening anymore - then I'm glad you're here. Really, I am . Maybe we can compare internal war stories.

Could it be this comes with turning 40 and coming to the realization that I am, in the best case scenerio, in the middle of life's journey? Maybe so. Whatever the case, I am looking at where I have been and asking God for wisdom to increase in my life so that I can make the most of each breath on the road to where I'm going.

For a time I lost sense of my own voice. My echo started to sound like other great women of the faith. I felt compelled to recreate what was already working in ministry. What made perfect sense. What looked logical from the outside. BUT I was failing to be the AUTHENTIC woman God created me to be. To fully run the race maked out for my own size 8 feet. I wasted a couple wonderful years trying to squeeze my size 8's into a cute and trendy size 6. God forbid that I continue down this dreadful path. That any of us are anything less than the real thing God meant for us, as his unique child, to be. Christendom already has an Ann Grahm Lots and a Beth Moore. God is in the one-of-a-kind business. The world has enough copy cats.

But it will never have another me. Another YOU. And we need to embrace the real me - the real YOU - that God made and God loves and God called.

So, forgive my silence while searching. I am still at work. God and I are wrestling together. God is racking up all the points in this match, but I am being shaped. Redefined. Strengthened.
Transformed to mirror only One - Him.

So Hello! Hello! Hello again! :)

2011-01-20T22:19:00.001-06:00

My son shared this song with me. The lyrics are AMAZING!

Thought I would share them with you!

The Church
Elevation Worship

We are the change
the world is waiting for
We've got a love
the world is desperate for
We will lead
and take to your streets

Now's the time for us to rise
and carry hope and let love shine
and show this world that mercy is alive

Now's the time for us to rise
and carry hope to hopeless eyes
and show this world that mercy is alive

We're not afraid
we will abandon all
to hear your name
on lips across the world
we will run
in the wake of your love

Fill our hearts with your compassion
let our love be active here
Fill our hearts with your compassion
let our love be real

Love Response

2011-01-07T20:45:00.006-06:00

When I was in high school, I made every effort to ostracize anyone who was different than me. Chalk it up to ignorance and a large dose of legalism in my home, but I made a point to choose only friends who held my beliefs. Anyone outside my world view was kept at arms length. I viewed them as little more than people I would attempt to persuade to my line of thinking.

I was the girl sitting in the bleachers telling kids how they would go to hell. I was the girl murmuring behind the backs of promiscuous students. Full of judgment, hellfire and brimstone. My bubble was designed to keep my comfort level satisfied and prohibit unsavory people from entering my safe haven.

Bubbles burst and reality comes swooshing in like an Arctic wind. We shiver and resist - but in all honesty, some of us need to feel the chill because we are too snuggled under our protective blankets to make any difference in the world around us.

Jesus NEVER played it safe! Jesus did not conduct ministry while insulated and isolated. No bubble for the holy King of Glory.

He was among the people. Touching the leper. Sparing the adulterer. Having lunch with the cheaters. And he spoke to them as the PEOPLE they are. The beautiful creation made in God's image. And the powerful truth is this: Because Jesus was so connected to the Father, He never compromised who He was when He loved others. Jesus Christ was a sharp pin in the religious bubble of the day and a soft embrace to the rejected and despised. He turned heads. He stopped people in their tracks!

When I experienced a season of selfish choices in my life that nearly destroyed me, I found my husband reaching down into the mud pit to offer me his hand. I expected rejection and received love in stead. The reality of Jesus living through my husband crashed over the walls I built. I was undone because of loving acceptance and forgiveness. Those unexpected responses changed my life. It changed MY LOVE RESPONSE to people around me.

Thankfully, God's love restored my marriage. Healing has been to the marrow. And my world expanded. I have a group of women who battle in the faith with me, but they are not the only people I "do life" with. Today, I am blessed with a diverse group of friends. Inmate. Atheist. Gay. Transgender. Prostitute. Addict. And they are not an agenda for me - they do not make up a human check list. They are truly my friends. I listen to them and love them. When I have lunch with my gay friend who wears more makeup than I do - complete with his leather pants and studded shirts - we turn heads. It may shock a few religious folks who know me from the church platform, but I am PASSIONATE about LOVING PEOPLE right where they are.

My marginalized friends will tell you - this is not the response they expected from a Christian. Their walls come down and love invades. The amazing conversations we have teaches me more about Jesus' love and life than any modern day sermon I hear piping from pulpits today. Sermons have their place - but the Bible comes to life when you live it outside the walls of the church, too. It is honest and raw and very, very real.

Living as Jesus means choosing to love ALL. Without strings attached.
Love is NOT BASED on people's response to us. Love is based on OUR RESPONSE to Christ. When the world sees believers LOVE... they will see the face of Christ. And the LIGHT of LOVE leads the way.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." I John 4:7-12

Advice to a Son

2010-11-16T21:54:00.005-06:00

Forgive my silence in blogland. I am spinning more plates than usual these days!

Today is an unusual post.

Our middle son, who is a senior this year, brought home a request from his English IV teacher. They are studying Hamlet. Early in the play a fahther offers advice to a son who is about to leave home. The teacher thought it would be great to offer advice to our children who are about to head off into the big world. Thought I would share. I took out the mushy, personal things that remain sacred, but left the eight advice points. It was a great exercise for me to define this on paper as well and might inspire you to do the same for yourself or your children.

1. God – His Will. His Ways. His Word. His Wonder. Never lose sight of these things. A friendship with God is what life is built upon. He will fight for you and love you even when you fight with Him.

2. Family – The second layer life is built upon. Stay connected with your parents. Your brothers. And then choose wisely who you will build your family with.

3. Faith – Live out your faith by serving in a local church to remain connected to the bigger family you are a part of. The church is God’s body moving in the world. His hands – His feet.

4. Friends – Choose them wisely because they will make or break you. Have some that will call you up higher. Have a few that you have to reach down to pull up. Have the courage to befriend those who are different than you – but remain strong enough that they don’t change what you believe – only how you live what you believe.

5. Career – Seek God for His plan. Obey and follow Him in the now and with each step He will reveal your next step. The doors of opportunity swing on itty bitty hinges called obedience. Be prepared when opportunity rises up to meet you on your road of hard work and discipline.

6. Love – The girl you date is the potential mate. This should bring harmony with God and if God is in harmony with her, then your family will be as well. Pray for her. She should love Jesus more than you and be in passionate pursuit of God’s plan for her life.

7. Money – can be the root of all evil or the fruit with which you nourish the world. Spend some on yourself, save more for a rainy day and share with those in need. Money can buy things that should never define you, but things do not last into eternity. Make more eternal investments than temporary ones.

8. The Poor – serve the poor. Stay connected to people who have little in this world because it will always keep you in an attitude of gratitude about what YOU have.

9. Remember the BIGGER PICTURE. Your story is all woven in HIS STORY and PLAN.

Freedom!

2010-10-21T08:24:00.003-05:00

She emerged from the metal door grinning ear to ear. Shouts of well wishers filled the air. Her only belongings rested at the bottom of a large plastic bin that screeched and rumbled as it rolled over the asphalt. An officer met her at the expansive, metal gate. More creaking sounds as the gate, surrounded by razor wire, opened wide. She turned and waved one last time to her friends who remain behind the walls. She promised to write. Promised to send money for cookies. Assured them she would be alright.

Obeying specific orders, I remained in my car, overcome with emotion. I could not jump out and welcome her with open arms, so I remained still as she made her way to me. In six years, I had never witnessed this scene. I was transfixed on her every move and in awe of how in seconds she walked from incarceration to freedom.

Other officers who were working outside the gate greeted her. They wished her well. Cautioned her about this new freedom and not messing up. She loaded her possessions in my back seat and made her way around to the passenger side. We hugged and laughed, holding back tears. She was actually sitting in my car! From sitting in the chapel inside the prison during choir practice to sitting in my car! It was surreal to say the least! It had been over four years of life in confinement and punishment. And now she is free.

As we drove away and reached the exit of the prison I stopped the car.

"Look back." I told her.

She spun around in her seat. Chocking back tears she says with conviction;
"I'm not coming back here again unless it's to do something good!"

And I believe her. I watched her find the true God in prison. For years He has been making Himself very real to her. After years of running from Him, she's running to Him with willing surrender.

How many days does our God watch as His children march into captivity? It's a scene He's witnessed for centuries. We put ourselves behind bars of sin all the while holding the keys to freedom.

Now just imagine with me for a moment how beautiful it is for the Father to see His own child step out of bondage and into freedom! And He isn't just waiting outside the gate for us to join Him. He sat in the cell with us singing songs of deliverance over us until we actually listened to His voice.

We were not created to waste away in a cell of our own making.

Freedom!!!

He died so we could have it.
He lives so we can know it.
He loves so we can share it.

Step out of the cages... into Freedom.

* Please pray for my friend who just left the prison on Monday. She will be moving to my town and attending our church. She has never chosen to surround herself with godly people and moral people. Housing has been secured. She is looking for a job and wants GOD's best for her. Pray for T.F. Thank you!

RUN!

2010-10-05T14:10:00.003-05:00

Twice today I discussed this verse with friends. And I decided to share it in the blog.

We each must endure - and God is gracious enough to let us glipmse the finish line so we have the courage to ENDURE the race!

Now just read this slowly... My comments are in (bold).
Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, (all of heaven is watching) let us throw off everything that hinders (the opinions of man and our own critical self-talk) and the sin that so easily entangles (sin keeps us from running because it wraps itself around our feet), and let us run with perseverance (consistant moving forward - not giving up) the race marked out for us (YOU have a race marked out for you... each of us - our own race!) . Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, (hold your stare - locking eyes with HIM alone) the author (HE wrote your story from the beginning) and perfecter (HE is in charge of helping you become fully equipped to live out your story) of our faith (YOUR faith), who for the joy set before him (Jesus looked at the finish line first) endured the cross (Jesus was willing to suffer and lay down his life in order to get to that Joy - which was redeeming mankind) , scorning its shame (putting up with the mocking and the dishonor associated with dying on a cross) , and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God (He FINISHED HIS STORY) . Consider him who endured such opposition (pushing, shoving, attempts to stop Him) from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

So, you aren't dying to save the world, but you ARE living to make a difference in it for God. If GOD has opened a door for you - then fear of man and your own personal fears are the things standing between YOU and living out your story. You won't be perfect - only Christ is - BUT you can most truly keep your eye on the PRIZE while all of heaven cheers you on! These are the decisions that lay a foundation for your own journey.

Eyes on Jesus - then RUN.

Lingering

2010-09-30T14:54:00.002-05:00

Every morning I have a tug of war in my mind.
Walk.
Don't walk.
Walk later.

Seriously, I know myself well enough and if I don't make my car drive to the park for exercise first thing in the AM, I will never do it before I see AM the next morning.

I don't like to break a sweat.

Or a nail.

But if I want to lost more weight, I am going to have to force myself to choose right right when I open my eyes.

This morning I went to a different park. Changing it up a bit is always a good idea. The ipod was choosing all my favorites. I was finding my groove with me some Toby Mac. Music for power walking. Somehow Micheal Buble' just makes me walk slower and - as much as I find him inspiring - it delivers little calorie burn.

As I walked this morning an odd thing happened. To my nose. My family claims I have a sniffer as talented as a blood hounds. I can smell as skunk on the road before my eyes see it.

And today I smelled the most peculiar thing while working up a stinky sweat.

Perfume and fabric softener.

Today I discovered at least three individuals who walked past me on the trail actually showered BEFORE engaging in exercise. Heaven forbid! I hope they couldn't smell me ... dirty hair and all.

As I crossed paths with a couple, the woman left a scented trail of perfume. I inhaled deeply and could still pick up her fragrance long after she had walked past me. This happens when my sons walk by, but the effect is no where near as pleasant! I assure you!

But back to lingering fragrances of woodsy florals. It was lovely and unexpected.
And, as God would have it, this verse popped into my head thanks to my super clean exercising friends.

2 Corinthians 2:14
But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.

Long after we walk past those we meet on this journey called "life", may HIS fragrance remain!

My Mind

2010-09-23T20:18:00.004-05:00

Have you ever thought about going on a tour of your own mind - all the rooms contained therein - with God as your guide? Exercising the willingness to open up the darkest closet and invite Him inside? Like saying; "God, since you know your way around here, let me walk with you and listen. What do I need to examine? What do I need to throw away? Where do I need to redecorate?"

When my life was a real mess, I hated being alone. Especially in my own head. It was hard to fall asleep at night - the thoughts were so loud. Lies I needed to go over to make sure I covered all the bases. Conviction I avoided as I reasoned away my disobedience. At night, there was no outside noise to cover up all the thoughts I didn't want to hear.

Romans 8:5-7
Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; 7the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so.

Thankfully, repentance and healing has taken place in my life. I am still a quirky woman and I'm sure God gets a real laugh when He hears half of my thoughts. And other times I know He frowns. Especially when I am behind the wheel of a car. On the days extra angels are required and certain drivers are obnoxious. Well, when I'm obnoxious. But today, so much has changed. I embrace times of silence. Reflection doesn't make me squirm. I like being alone in my own head - having conversations with God. Looking over decisions I made, considering the days ahead - seeking wisdom from my Father. I cherish the peace that only God can bring to a troubled mind. God redecorates those dark places with bold shades of Truth and Love. It makes laying my head on the pillow at night blissfully sweet these days.

Psalm 26:2-3
Test me, O LORD, and try me,
examine my heart and my mind;
for your love is ever before me,
and I walk continually in your truth.

The Permanent Past

2010-09-08T10:30:00.004-05:00

The past is an immovable object.

Set in stone. Permanent. Unchangeable.

We all know this, but it doesn't make life any easier. And it doesn't stop us from wishing we could hit rewind.

Regret can suffocate us to the point that we refuse to take a breath in our today. Although NOW is flexible, changeable, in motion - we can still refuse to function in it. The quicksand of the past becomes concrete around our feet of flesh.

Last night I went to bed late because I could not silence my mind and the memory of the night at prison. I held hands with my husband and we prayed together. I was wrecked. I kept hearing her say; "I don't know how to go on from here. I don't know how to do 45 more years in this place. I never had a childhood. My life was literally stolen from me!!! How do I go on in these walls? I just want to get outta this place and live!"

It was one of those nights that made me want to run. To hide my head under the covers or at the very least return to my parked car and drive to a comfortable restaurant in my comfortable freedom. We never like looking at human suffering. It leaves us feeling undone. Helpless. Vulnerable.

She was sitting in a chair. I was kneeling at her feet with my hands on her knees. Looking directly into her swollen eyes. She glared at me in anger. Rage, really. She wanted more from me. More attention. More time. I have 65 inmates to lead. Individual time is a luxury I don't have very often. I was already making the choir upset because I followed her into the hall. I took minutes away from the group and they never take kindly to those moments. I could hear them growing restless, but I could not walk away from her. I love her like she is my very own.

She snarled her words at me.

"You talk about love. Yet, you don't always give it. I NEED you. I NEED to talk. I'm dying in here. I just want you to go away to leave me alone!!! I don't care about anything right now. Ok? How do you like that???"

I began to cry. Not just tear up. No, I began to bawl. Heaving crying came up inside me. Desperation was gripping me. I so want to help her. To fix it. To undo it. And I can't. We're talking about a past that can't be rewritten. Only a miracle could grant her freedom from this institution.

I looked at her and spoke slowly. Intently.

"I can't change it. No matter how I wish I could, honey. I can't. BUT I love you and I will not abandon you. Do you hear me??? I'm not leaving you."

A dam broke in her heart because she reached out for me. She curled her body up and put her head on my chest. She embraced me so slowly like a little child and she cried. And the girl in need of a mother had a mother in me. And I felt all the pain and wonder of parenthood. All the heartbreak that goes with consequences of dreadful decisions. ONE decision can truly alter a lifetime. And where words fail - there were arms of LOVE. Where promises ring hollow - there was the fierce determination to not allow her to push me away. Where God is still rejected by her - He embraced Her through me. Touching her profound brokenness. She just doesn't recognize Him yet.

Ministry isn't for pansies.

It is painfully messy. Draining. Overwhelming.

BUT His strength is made perfect in my (constant, consistent, continuous) weakness!!!!! I don't have to face this alone. God doesn't raise up slick, perfect people. He makes good use of messes like me. He shines brilliantly through broken glass! And let me just say - that my past has equipped me for my future - so even the evil plans of the enemy turn into opportunities for God's glory to be revealed!

No matter how much I long to, I can't change the past for any of my girls. But I can LOVE in the NOW and point their faces to the HOPE-FILLED future that Christ longs to lead them into!

News - Dreaming HIS Dreams

2010-09-06T20:40:00.006-05:00

I've had many dreams in my life. For many years I would see myself as a huge Christian recording artist singing in sold out stadiums. I chased those dreams until I discovered the doors I was trying to open were padlocked! I wanted to be the next Beth Moore until I realized that God isn't looking for another Beth. He's already filled that position. Even with good intentions, so much of our ego and our ambition can get wrapped up in our dreams. Over a year ago, I received a "God-Sized-No" and it was a final straw for me and my personal dreams. I began a journey of letting go in profound ways. I remember walking out of prison about 8 months ago. It was an amazing night with the choir. Watching my girls worship and watching God move among us. I looked up to heaven and began and whispering a prayer to God.

"Lord, if this is IT - if this is where you want me to spend my gifts and invest my passion for you then IT IS ENOUGH. I let go of all I have wanted to take hold of what YOU WANT."

Imagine my surprise when new doors began to open. Unexpected connections began to materialize before my eyes. I met with my manager, David Hassell, for what I thought would be a normal business meeting. We frequent a great coffee shop to discuss the book I am writing and work on upcoming projects. On this particular day he was more serious than usual and dropped a real bomb shell. I did not believe him at first. When he never started laughing, I knew this was real. A film producer - with real credentials and a real passion for God - had contacted him. This producer had been so moved in his heart after learning about our prison choir. This producer had a plan. A plan that has been so beautifully orchestrated that it can ONLY BE GOD.

Here is where we are today - many months later. That same film Producer walked into prison with me last Tuesday night - along with his Executive Producer and my manager. They made an announcement to the choir. We have begun work on producing a made for Cable TV film documentary about The Voices of Freedom Choir. We are in the early stages, but funding is nearly in place - we are finalizing a contract and ready to step into a new God-Sized Adventure!

My book in under final consideration by a wonderful publisher. They may say "no" - they may say "yes." I'm not sure. They are aware of the film and the desire to release a DVD and the book simultaneously - but we wait to see. What is most beautiful to me is the reaction of my girls. Watching them hear that they will have a voice lifted. That others will know of their struggle to make things right with God's help. That people will hear of God's Redeeming Mercy - His Saving Grace - His Relentless Love. Many will see that when Christians truly LOVE from Christ's perspective - the world is caught off guard. They are mystified by real people giving real love and their walls come down. Healing begins when God steps in.

Pray for us as we follow GOD on this journey. I am in a walk of faith and dependence on Him like never before. I keep asking Him to pour us out - to use our stories. This is something I could have NEVER in my wildest dreams imagined for my life. God has wilder dreams than me, I can tell you.
I walked away from MY DREAMS for ME- and I am fully embracing HIS DREAMS for this life HE CREATED in me. When you say YES to HIM - HE will use your YES to BLESS. He will use it ALL for HIS GLORY and to spread the FAME of HIS NAME to all who will listen!

We will keep you posted as the details develop. For now - in these early days - we need your prayers that obstacles will be removed and lives will be transformed!

Lower Right Abdominal Pain

2010-08-22T22:22:00.005-05:00

When I arrived at the Nashville Airport I was extremely tired. I had not slept a wink the night before. This is never the way to begin a weekend of ministry, but I trudged onward. God can get me through tired weekends. He is more than able to provide spiritual caffeine for a weary spirit.

While walking to our gate at Southwest, I self diagnosed. I had a bladder infection. Yes, I did. I even called my mother for confirmation. Mind you, it has been over twenty years since I had a bladder infection, but Dr. Tina was sure. When we landed in St. Louis, I explained my situation to our host for the weekend and she promptly called the church member who happened to be a doctor. Meds were called in for me within the hour. A nice antibiotic and a few pills for the pain. I would be in tip top shape in hours. Or so I thought.

The pain was excruciating, but I was smiling through it. Whenever I would take the platform, my pain would completley leave me. I spoke and sang for over an hour to the most lovely group of women at Bethel Baptist Church in Troy, Illinois. The event concluded with a dessert fellowship. I was barely able to focus on the women who were speaking with me. I broke out in a sweat and knew I needed to head back to the hotel. The night that followed found me shivering with pain. I prayed and trusted God would help me minister in the morning.

Sunday morning came and God provided strength to stand and sing. To speak. To share. To smile. He is an amazing God. After a few hours of ministry, I was once again at the airport. I was thankful to have Glenda traveling with me. She has been like family for over fifteen years. She knew I was in much pain and advised me to get to the ER when we landed. I am a stubborn girl, but in the back of my mind I was aware that this was surely NOT a bladder infection. I was dealing with something else entirely.

I sought the internet when I got home on Sunday night. What I read prompted me to head to the ER right away. After a CT scan confirmed my problem, I was scheduled for surgery. I said goodbye to my APPENDIX a few hours later!! Surgery was NOT on my schedule for Monday! But God is faithful. I really never thought it was my appendix. I was innocent in thinking I was facing something minor. Something medicine could mend. God kept my appendix from rupturing during two plane flights. God showed such mercy to me and allowed me to minister in His power. Just amazing. I myself am fully amazed as I tend to be a real baby when it comes to pain. Truly GOD works in the weak to make us strong!

One week later, I am feeling my strength return to my body. Pain is leaving. Joy is returning. I am rejoicing in God's healing power and PERFECT timing. I travel out of town again this Friday and I will be well enough to go! Thank you, Jesus. He has strengthened my frame!

I will be teaching on a "well-watered garden" this coming weekend. I love how how the focus scripture ministers to me today in light of my last week.

Isaiah 58:10 ...if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

Amen! And P.S. If you are suffering from LOWER RIGHT ABDOMINAL PAIN that only increases in intensity, it is cause for concern and will require more than ibuprofen. :)

Looking Back

2010-08-09T19:45:00.002-05:00

While working in the office tonight I picked up my journal. I flipped through the pages and found an entry from June 8, 2009. I was in Ft. Lauderdale, FL with friends. I was dealing with a rejection and was seeking to understand why God closed a door that looked so wide open. It looked like His will. I was emotionally wrecked.
But let me - just for a moment - take you back to that place. That waiting place. It is a real place and very raw. And God appreciates it when his children are both of those things with Him.

Tears.
Fall.
Why?
Why God?
Why are you so long in coming?
To Rescue.
To relive this pain.
To Liberate!

Stop.
Stop. Waiting.
Please!!!

Mercy.
I'm begging.
I'm seriously aching.
Mercy!!!

Come.
Show me.
Show me why you wait.
At least.
Some mercy.
A drop.

I'm tired.
Tired!
Weary.
Burdened.
Heavy hearted.
Heart broken.
Exhausted.

Tonight I want to go back to that woman - me - sitting on the balcony. That woman who was crying while the waves repeatedly hit the shore. I would like to go back to myself and give myself a big hug. If only I knew THEN what I know NOW. That GOD has reasons for NO. Reasons for WAIT. Reasons for NOT NOW and NOT YET. So glad I was rejected. It has opened so many more doors for me to truly live in a liberated space proclainming the GOOD NEWS of Christ. NO was for my good. I just couldn't see it yet!

Thank you Lord - for the NO.

Wise Words

2010-08-08T17:13:00.006-05:00

Who speaks into your life?

Family? Friends? Ministers? Media? Music?

On any given day there are a multitude of voices we could listen to. When we turn on the television images flash before our eyes. They invade our silence with images that challenge what we believe. What we place value on. Are we thin enough? Is our skin smooth enough? Are we rich enough? They taunt us with shiny new cars, steamy love scenes and greasy hamburgers. Media is always selling something! Are we buying it? Are we listening too closely to the voices that draw us away from what matters most?

Do we move from phone call to phone call just rehashing what we are going through? Maybe our friends offer their opinion and give well intended advice. But do we rely solely on what human relationships offer us in our decision making? Are we listening too closely to voices that are around us? What happens when we give ear to those who are not leaning into God's wisdom? It never ends well, does it?

So seriously... how do we rise above the static white noise of the world we live in? How do we make decisions that lead us to life and purpose for God's Kingdom instead of following selfish inspiration to build our own little pathetic kingdom? Amy Grant sang it best in 1986 - "You got to know who to - who not to - listen to."

Believe me, I am not saying that friends have nothing to speak into our lives. God uses others to speak. BUT ... we need to listen to the WORD FIRST and LAST. Making God's Word the first and final say means we are walking in HIS wisdom. The WORD will help us sift through every message that has made it's way past our ears. The WORD frisks every thought that tries to walk into our mind.

The WORD is where WISDOM lives 24/7.

Psalm 119: 24 "Your statutes (WORD) are my delight; they are my counselors."
Psalm 119: 66 "Teach me knowledge and good judgement, for I believe in your commands."
Psalm 119:105 "Your WORD is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path."

Psalm 119:103 "How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!"

God longs to teach us. Do we long to listen and learn?

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of learning the hard way. I want to learn the REAL LESSON from the REAL TEACHER whose WORDS are always WISE!

Perfect Timing

2010-07-26T10:05:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I heard an amazing story on the news. I can't remember where this took place, but I won't forget the lesson I learned.

One family ordered a pizza. It was late in being delivered. As the family waits for their pizza, the husband grabs his chest and violently collapses on the floor. The wife is dialing 911 when she hears a knock on her door. The emergency dispatcher says an ambulance is on its way. There is another knock on the door and in a panic she opens the door to see the pizza delivery man standing before her. He is holding their pizza.

She blurts out that her husband must be having a heart attack. The pizza man throws the pizza on the ground and says the most amazing phrase "WHERE IS HE? I'M A PARAMEDIC WITH THE ARMY!" And within moments her husband has been revived by the paramedic who had a temporary job as a pizza delivery man.

WOW! Timing is everything.

I am sure they are happy the pizza was late. Any earlier and it would have been too late for her husband who had stopped breathing.

IS it ANY different with our lives and waiting on God to deliver?

He may seem like He is delaying. It may appear that He got lost on the way to your house. BUT what if God's perceived delay is really His beautifully organized plan being carried out in your life? In my life. What if each day or moment of waiting leads to a rescue that is perfectly timed? Would it be worth the wait if we could see the weight of the result?

I think so. And so I choose to wait well. With trust and faith in GOD's good plan. HIS attention to detail in the delivery.

Wait a minute. And watch what GOD can do!

Gaile Owens

2010-07-14T16:49:00.003-05:00

Gaile Owen's life has been spared!

Praise God and Bless Governor Bredesen!

Thank you for your prayers. I am thankful on so many levels. God answers prayers - but either way - we would have praised HIM! This is not more or less of God's favor and blessing. This is God's plan. I know Gaile will use her very hard lessons learned to share Christ with others in the free world as she has in the prison.

I am thankful for her son, Stephen, who honors his father's memory and extends forgiveness to his mother. Much healing has taken place. Only GOD can work these kinds of miracles.

Thank you to all who have supported helping Gaile Owens. She is a treasure and is a very blessed woman indeed to have so many care!

A Book

2010-07-01T20:09:00.007-05:00

In the blog world, I have taken a leave of absence it would seem. My closest friends have seen less of me as my face has been illuminated by the glow of a computer screen. Not from surfing the web. From writing tirelessly on a book.

Today my book proposal is complete. (Insert shouts of praise here!!!) We will begin to take it to various publishers to see who might like to get behind the book. It is an interesting thing to push through fear and follow God's prompting. Humbling to see when HE accomplishes what HE started.

Leading the Choir Behind Razor Wire
Finding Beauty in the Songs of the Broken

Premise:
Most people would never willingly choose to enter a maximum-security prison for any reason. Tina Hutchison chose to enter and accept the volunteer position of chapel choir director. From the very first note that was sung, Tina connected spiritually and emotionally with the incarcerated women who experience life behind razor wire, and was challenged beyond her comfort zone. Leading the Choir Behind Razor Wire illuminates true human stories - inspiring, tragic and insightful - that will resonate with the reader and bring awareness of the beauty that lives in the heart of the broken.

I wanted to share this with you and ask that you pray as we seek to follow God's lead. May HE use this humble offering to glorify Himself. He is the restorer and redeemer!

Holding On Too Long

2010-06-18T11:06:00.004-05:00

A firefly decided to hitch a ride with me as I took my son to Vacation Bible School this morning. I did not even see him until I was doing about 40 miles per hour. He was clinging to the driver's side window. Holding on for dear life.

I am a sympathetic soul and I began to hope for his survival. If this were a roach, however, I would have attempted to sideswipe another car to squish it to death. But a firefly is a special kind of bug. Glowing is an appealing feature, in my opinion.

I slowed down to 25 miles per hour in hopes that he would let go.

No such luck.

I came to a red light.

Complete stop.

He still held on.

He even repositioned himself to face the wind head on and keep his wings (hello - he must have forgotten he has those wings) from flapping in the wind.

He rode the entire way home with me. Taking quite a beating, too. When I pulled in the driveway, I rolled down my window enough to encourage him to let go.

He just fell to the ground. No more flying for a while for the little guy.

God said we can "soar on wings like eagle's" - Isaiah 40:31 - if we wait on Him.

But so often we are grounded from flight because we won't let go of what we are desperately clinging to. We just let things take us for a ride and in the end we are so battered that flight is delayed.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be holding on to things that will hold me back.

I want to fly.

And glow while doing it.

Yeah - that sounds perfect!

Let GO and GLOW!

Labor of Love

2010-06-15T09:34:00.005-05:00

I am trekking though 1 Thessalonians this week. God's Word is vast and rich. Shallow enough for a newbie to gather treasures and deep enough that the most renowned theologian will never ever touch bottom. I so embrace the beauty of the Word created for ALL of us!

Three phrases jumped out at me this morning in 1 Thessalonians 1:3.

"We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ."

"Your work produced by faith" - I cannot produce the work that lasts for the Kingdom without faith working in me first. If I attempt to create the energy out of self, then the work will only glorify self. And I will experience burn out and fatigue. How many times do we resort to our own human resources to fuel what only faith can run?

"Your labor prompted by love" - this phrase I can completely relate to today! Labor is intense. It makes you sweat. It causes you to be uncomfortable. Today I worked out with Jillian Michaels. Well, she was not physically in my living room and I am not in the newest cast of The Biggest Loser, but her video image yelled at me plenty. I was laying on that mat looking up at my ceiling fan and panting like I had half a lung! This was labor. Those two pound weights felt like 100 pounds! Then dear, sweet, caring Jillian said the phrase that summed up my suffering - (insert arrogant vocal tone now)"This stuff is not free, people. Getting in shape will cost you." Yep. Costing me still. My legs feel like noodles. And I was mildly nauseous. BUT - I am prompted by a new motivation this time around. I am prompted by a LOVE for my health. I've had lesser motivations before with little success. This same truth applies to serving God as well. If we are prompted by anything other than God's LOVE to serve in ministry and reach others we will truly fail. How can we stay prompted love and the Spirit?

"Your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ" - This is how we work through the labor of our faith and endure the challenges - with HOPE! Inspiration is what motivates us and keeps us pressing toward a goal. Faith is the fuel that powers the work - and the work is truly a labor of love - then hope in Christ provides the inner cheer leader to supply us with endurance!

Sweat.

Labor.

Work.

Serve.

LOVE.

HOPE.

Jesus... the One in whom it all begins and ends.

Moose Prayers

2010-06-06T13:15:00.003-05:00

Here I am on vacation. I have enjoyed a real break from electronic devices, phones and the internet. Our family decided to take an epic adventure and drive across the US from Tennessee to Montana. It has been nothing short of amazing. We have dear friends in Montana who have opened their home to us. We've laughed. Stayed up late. Eaten too much. And seen mountains that brought tears to my eyes. Watching our three boys take in the sights has been inspiring. God is nothing short of diverse and creative!

On our way to Montana we stopped off in Grand Lake, CO. It is located a couple hours outside Denver. We stayed in a small cabin with a view of Grand Lake. The owners of the cabin said moose will sometimes come to drink from the small spring located in their backyard. I began to pray for Moose. I wanted to see one so badly. I love all animals and just wanted to experience every sight possible on this trip. Moose prayers began to go up. On our first day at the cabin we did a bit of sight seeing. Had a picnic in freezing winds and were amazed at the snow on the mountain tops. I decided to go back to the cabin for a bit of rest. To be honest, I am in no shape to hike up hills and the boys were glad I was kind enough to bow out. They hate when I slow them down.

When they returned from their adventure hike, I knew something BIG had happened. Sure enough, the smiles were wide and the stories were long. They had seen THREE HUGE MOOSE in the forrest. They took amazing pictures. And I was thrilled for them. Jealous too. I had prayed for a moose sighting. I did not think they had been praying. And GOD let them have all the fun! But I got over my sorrow in missing it really quickly because the kids were so pumped about it, I just felt so happy for them.

The next morning, at our cabin nestled in a busy residential area, surrounded by others houses and a highway across from the lake, I am getting ready for our next leg of the drive. Fresh from the shower with a hair dryer in hand, I hear them calling my name from downstairs. "MOM! MOM! A MOOSE!!!!" There has never been such a rapid decent down a spiral staircase in all of history. And just as my bare feet hit the cold floor of the deck my eyes take in the sight of TWO HUGE MOOSE in the backyard! I grabbed my camera and stood in the freezing cold with wet hair just snapping away! It was beyond amazing. AND I HAD ONLY PRAYED FOR ONE - GOD LET OUR FAMILY SEE FIVE.

Praying for Moose.

And rejoicing when someone else got what I prayed for before I received it.

Made the two moose all that much sweeter, make no moosetake about it! God loves us so well!

I'll post some pics from the cabin moose after I return home.

"The True Power of Prayer"

2010-05-28T09:40:00.002-05:00

This is a poem written by an inmate who was thanking our prayer team. How humbling to see God working through this ministry. Praise goes to HIM!

"The True Power of Prayer"

Too much heartache
Too many lives full of pain and dispair
So many in need
So few who care
A gift of God's strength fpr many to share,
Are the warriors who embrace the true power of prayer.

They come together to send
Prayers from the depths of their hearts
Since they know of our pain
That our lives have been torn apart
Where two or more gather
God says, He is there
I know this to be true
For my life is touched by their prayers.

As I embrace each day
I count every blessing it holds
Like the prayer warriors in my life
Who are more precious than gold
Though I know not who my prayer warriors may be
The empathy and love within their hearts
Has truly touched me!

Through your prayers
And God's amazing greace
The soul survives
this terrible place.

By. KJS
5/01/10

Gut Level Honest

2010-05-26T22:41:00.002-05:00

There are times when life is just flat out hard.
When God does not answer. In fact, it feels like He left the room.
And there's an empty space. No amount of weeping and begging will change it.

I have prayed for some things for years. Good things. For my family. And God has delayed. And I do not know why. And to be real with you, I am weary in the wait. I am tired.

Last Tuesday night I went into prison as I always do. Convinced I could just hide behind the preacher who was bringing the monthly service, I felt no pressure to come up with a message. I was in such a state of mind that I would have rather stayed home parked on the couch.

You can imagine my suprise when the pastor left early in the service to go to a funeral and the Chaplain looked at me. She simply gave me the "bring the invitation" look. I wanted to bolt out the doors. I was in no position to stand infront of the inmates. I was simply a diminished beacon of light. And the light was flickering.

I hesitated. She continued with her expression and I aproached the microphone.

And in the following moments, I was gut level honest with those 350 inmates. My faith was weak. I was weary in the battle because it appeared to have no end in sight. God had heard my pleading and was unresponsive. And I felt only anger at the thought of Him waiting to move. In the middle of my honest exchange, an amazing thing happened. The Spirit moved in my weakness. Thirty women came forward because they too were in a battle and felt hopeless. Powerful!

After the large service, our choir had time to go into the chapel and meet for 45 minutes. I began to look in their faces and share with them the heart of my struggles. They listened. You could have heard a pin drop in the room. I trust these girls with my pain. I tell them things I would never share in the free world. With the exception of a select few in my accountability circle. But my circle is huge in prison.

Within a few moments, sixty female inmates - my sisters and friends - surrounded me. They wept for me. The laid hands on me. They prayed beautiful Scripture over my mind and my family. I cried from a deep place and without fear, for in prison with my girls I am home. God's presence is welcoming there.

I walked out of that prison with a heart overflowing with thankfulness to God.

There are times when it just hurts so much to follow Him. When we long for the pressure to ease up. For the lesson to be over and recess to start. But we do not know the plan He is completing IN US so that others might KNOW HIM.

What I can tell you straight up is this - when we pour out into the lives of others from the well of our relationship with God, there will come a day when those precious people will pour themselves over us. And it will cool the heat of our pain. It will drench us in a love that knows no limits and draw us back to the One who is waiting to walk with us through the pain.

I am the most blessed woman in the world to have my wonderful sisters to walk with me, too!

Where have I been???

2010-05-23T06:51:00.002-05:00

Writing.
Writing.
Writing.

But obviously not blog posts.
And I haven't had the joy of reading my favorite blogs either.

I have missed it and you!

Back to 2 a weeks this week.
Got some great stories to tell!

Tina

Progress

2010-05-11T09:53:00.003-05:00

I am here in the office waiting for a delivery. I thought I would take advantage of this time and blog about it! For the last five years we have used the small office in my home to store donations for Holding Out Hope, our nonprofit that brings the truth of Christ to women who are incarcerated. While it has been a BLESSING to receive donations of books and Bibles... it has created a surplus of boxes in my office. Today the 10 x 16 storage building the ministry has purchased will arrive. I am truly excited! This will be such a help to the ministry and our volunteers. And this woman can reclaim her work space!

Waiting in the middle of the stack of boxes just got me thinking about the process we all find ourselves in. It is so easy to collect things. A little fear here. A bit of anger there. A pinch of gossip. A stack of worry. Soon we are stepping over what accumulates so easily in our lives.

I've been stepping over more than boxes lately. If I am not fully in the Word and focused on Him I am in a pile of mess before you know it! And removing those boxes is a process. It takes time to clean out what has taken up so much space!

And Jesus really is our storage building. Cast all your cares on him means ALL. Pile it ALL on Him. He can handle it. He has plenty of room. And God doesn't keep an invetory of what we unload. He takes it and disposes of it... far, far away.

I don't really know what it will feel like to see the floor of my office again. Or the walls. And I look forward to it. I will be motivated to keep it clean!

I want to feel what it is like to have plenty of room for HIM in the rooms of my heart. I am in process. Are you? Guess we all are. But in order for change to occur, we must invite Him into our collections. To give Him full authority to put what does not belong in us onto the "discard" pile. Easier said than done. Some days I cling to my fear instead of trading it for His courage.

But I will not quit.
I will continue to open the door of my life and give God access.

Because I want to see the walls of my heart neatly decorated with HIS art for my life. And I want lots of room on the floor so we can dance.

I'm in the process of making room...

Floods

2010-05-03T17:35:00.002-05:00

There is nothing like the sight of rushing water as it moves around homes in a neighborhood. The devastation. The loss of life, pets, property and keepsakes. Tennessee has been devastated by a storm. Two days of constant rain has covered interstates, flooded a massive hotel and created havoc in many lives. I just read a Face Book post from my old friend Bonnie who's lost her home to the flood waters.

This is her status:

Our home was just on the news. The neighborhood is flooded with water up to the eves on most of the homes. God is in control. We are at a friends home, have our dogs with us, and it's beginning to hit us the devastating extent of this and what it means not only to us, but to so many in our beloved Tennessee. Praise God ...who gives and takes away. To God be the glory.

How do believer's ride out a storm? People who are connected deeply to the One who calms the storm or calms his child? I think f the Scripture in Isaiah 43:1-2a
Israel's Only Savior
But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you...

My friend is trusting in God she cannot see. She knows HE will be honored even in her suffering. What kind of faith is this?

It is the kind of faith that causes the atheist to laugh.
The cynic to mock.
The seeker to scratch their heads in disbelief.

WE ARE NOT OF THIS WORLD. Our PEACE defies logic and reason.
No - it is never easy to hurt, to cry and to mourn. it is never easy when praise is birthed out of so much pain.

But WE PRAISE HIM THROUGH STORMS!

Pray for those so deeply affected by the flooding and storms. May they meet believers at every turn who are willing to love and help.

*God bless you Bonnie for being a living example of JESUS to my life and the lives of so many others. The storm has clearly NOT WASHED OVER YOU... your spirit is sealed steadfast - my water proof sister! Love you!

This is COOL!

2010-05-02T12:03:00.002-05:00

Precious Girls

2010-05-01T11:12:00.007-05:00

My dear friend Karen Smith sent me a few pictures from last weekend in Cleveland, TN. Three former members of our Voices of Freedom Choir were able to attend. WHAT A BLESSING.
I will not reveal their identity, but I will say that I love them. I am proud of them. They are on an amazing journey of growth and change! God is ABLE and will change us when we are WILLING. One of our ladies played the piano for us as we sang our last worship song - "Amazing Grace - May Chains are Gone." These women are trophies of Grace and pictures of redemption!

Introducing my friends and sisters in Christ.

I just had to say a few words about this feisty girl who loves books!

Another beautiful sister playing piano and ending a wonderful day with praise! She is so strong in her faith and a great leader in her church!

Lastly, a picture of worship, (she's in the very front row in the grey shirt) and is our "local" sister. Upon leaving prison, she came to live in our town with her father and sings in our church choir each week!

These women teach us about HOPE and they remind us that we are ALL the same!

Light in Darkness

2010-04-28T21:55:00.008-05:00

Our world is filled with pain. Wounds from the past lay hidden in the inner chambers of hearts, far from the gaze of human eyes. Though we have closed the door in our mind, the echos and reminders of old ghosts bounce off the walls - invading our thoughts in the quiet of the night. Invading the lives we build in broad daylight. There is no way to truly silence the painful noise without the power of Christ.

This is our battlefield. This is Satan's playground.

So many of our women in prison have been wounded beyond belief. Stories too elicit and horrifying to even type here in this open forum. My friend Barbara travels with me each week to the prison. Her service to the LORD and to the women at Tennessee Prison for Women is amazing. Our ears have heard descriptions that keep us awake at night. That make us weep over the children who are victims in their own homes. She and I have ministered side by side for over 5 years now. She is like Barnabas to me. Forever encouraging. Praying with hopeful expectation. A blessing in ministry and friendship (even if she is almost a full 12 inches taller than me.)

This past Tuesday night we were given a poem from a woman we have invested much of our hearts into. This woman is deeply broken and scarred by life. A cynic towards faith and Christians who have hurt her. It has taken months to break through. We continue to pray for her and others who share her scars. I wanted to share the poem with you... a glimpse into the hearts we encounter everyday. You pass people who are hurting on the streets. In the grocery. In the post office. In the pew. They are ready to fall over the edge. We can make a difference. One smile. One hug. One loving word. A simple and sincere act can bandage a bleeding heart and offer the HOPE of JESUS.

Fulfilled Prayers
Written by: An Inmate and Friend

One troubled day I stifled a cry
Just as two angels came walking by
One who was tall
could dance hip hop and jam
The other one "small"
and a bit of a ham
I said "I'm so weary,
I just want to die
I'll have to find some hope
if I'm gonna get by"
My life has no meaning
My heart is full of woe
Some days like today,
I just want to let go
They hugged me like family
And whispered His name
"Lord Jesus, Father God,
please ease her pain"
They told of God's mercy
How His son died for our sins
How he suffered on the cross
How that's not where it ends
He wants us to have life everlasting
He treats everyone the same
He died for "our" sin
It's for "all" that he came
I love my two Angels
I thought with a smile
God did send some Angels to save me!!
I guess sometimes it just takes awhile.

Amazing isn't it???? You see, this girl kept asking why God didn't send down angels to save her while she was being molested. She could not see God as kind because she was an innocent kid who lost her innocence at the hands of a killer of children's dreams. A murderer of a child's security and wellness. For her to see that God has found her... has reached out to her countless times. For her to connect this information and truth - it is HUGE. It is the reason we run hard after the only one who can HEAL the BROKEN.

He sees every sweet child who is a victim of the enemy of our souls. And GOD will deal with those who hurt the little ones. This cruel world - is not where our story ends. The ONE who died... came to set us free from the scars of the past! From the scars of the perpetrators who did not choose Him and instead spread the sickness that held them captive. Innocence may be stolen, but it is OUR GOD who restores dignity and puts His LOVE over the scars of a battered heart.

We are praying for our sweet, broken poet - for healing in her mind. For the love of CHRIST to invade every room in her heart - washing away the ashes and redecorating it with HIS BEAUTY.

We dare to light our candle on the front porch of hell and let it burn bright in the face of the devil. Knowing that the RISEN CHRIST is our LIGHT in this present darkness.

Prayer & Praise

2010-04-22T13:27:00.003-05:00

No one that has ever lived within the walls of the Tennessee Prison for Women has ever been given an execution date. Until now. You can imagine that entering the prison Tuesday night caused us to pause over the heaviness of the situation. We did not know what to expect with the choir members. We were blessed to find them ready with their robes on. They were anticipating a special service. They were prepared.
I shared with them that we had the honor of bringing messages of hope to a hurting group of women. What a privilege to be chosen by God for this season!

Chaplain Walker announced that we would have a special time to pray for Gaile and Governor Bredesen. She asked if the women would get on their knees. One by one, all who were physically able, dropped to their knees. You could hear the sound echo in the gym as women got out of their seats to kneel. We cried out to God with tears.

Life on earth is complex and a series of twists and turns. It can feel as if we are on a trampoline - bouncing up and down. In reality, we are on the ROCK if we know Jesus. Gaile is standing on the ROCK. And no matter what the outcome - she has a sure foundation. And God will use all of this for HIS Glory. He is trustworthy in ALL things - even the hard things that make us shudder with agony.

It is inside the walls of a prison where we are reminded of the freedom in HIM that no man can take. No one can take Gaile's life - they can only still her body. Her spirit will not skip a breath. There is more to life than life on earth! But we pray for her human life to be spared - to be able to continue to smile and bless us in the natural and spiritual realm.

This weekend I head to Cleveland, TN to lead a women's retreat. Three former inmates will travel from different parts of our state to attend with me. I am EXCITED beyond measure! The theme of the retreat is Mission:Possible and it is SO fitting that God would remind me of His ability to use anyone and anything to rescue his people. He is able to deliver!

I am a woman on a mission.
We are going to raise our voice for Gaile Owens and her family.

I will keep you posted.
Thank you for your continued prayers.

Just a quick thought...

2010-04-20T08:39:00.003-05:00

As I woke up this morning - in that haze between fully awake and fully asleep - I began to see Gaile's face. I thought of all my girls in prison and how there must be many emotions as the sun was rising on the prison yard.

And then I am reminded that we all have a date assigned to us. We do not know when our last day on planet earth will be. Somehow being aware of our end makes us live differently in the dash between the dates. In the NOW.

Today I am ENCOURAGED - to live fully, love fully and obey HIM in the mission he has assigned to my life. Living life to the dregs. Serving HIM till the last breath is exhaled.

So get on out there with a renewed awareness to make the most of each day and run after Him with a finish line in sight!

May GOD inspire YOU today!

Gaile Owens

2010-04-19T18:21:00.002-05:00

Tonight I saw it on the news. They have set an execution date for Gaile Owens.

September 28, 2010

Tonight I went to her son Stephen's blog and saw this posted.

Monday, April 19, 2010
Philippians 4:6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Please fall to your knees and pray. Blessed be His name. Speak it. Believe it. Be faithful.

What an amazing young man that Gaile is so proud of. God has blessed her. Join with us in prayer please.

As I told Gaile - either way, God will use her life. There are many other volunteers who are much closer with Gaile than me. They have spent week after week with her for many years. I am praying for them tonight and for her precious, godly son. Pray for Gaile that God's peace will strengthen her in this difficult time.

Children and Poetry

2010-04-16T20:21:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I had the JOY of speaking to a group of 6th graders at St. Paul Christian School. A close friend of mine teaches there and asked me to come and share my heart with her students. Those kids were so attentive as I spoke about the journey that God took me on which led me into prison ministry. If we can plant seeds in our young believers about how God loves ALL people - right where they are - we will fan the flames of faith. Love wins. Prayer works and only GOD can fix broken people.

I had the pleasure of meeting two other 6th grade teachers who work with my friend, Susan. Just like Susan, Kay and Richard have hearts that beat for their students. They want those children to love God and care about people. How refreshing and beautiful! Work God will reward.

Richard shared a poem with me that was in "The Contributor" (a newspaper put out by homeless folks in town). I wanted to share it with you all as I found it to be powerful and so very real. You know I love me some real! And I love my girls in prison - in the middle of their mess - I love them. Because I know all about mess. I've made plenty that Jesus had to clean up. Thank the LORD for GRACE!

Strive to avoid being passive about your faith.
Strive to redeem the time and the opportunities given.
Then RUN your RACE! No one else can run it for you!

Prayer for a Prisoner
by Leslie Collins
Prison Doctor

I know you, but call you friend
only to myself;
and this prayer, too, must be only with myself.
I have read your history of cigarette burns to your baby flesh,
of being passed from mother to cousin to neighbor;
that you no longer celebrate Christmas at home
with fireplaces, presents, children,
or have a Cocker Spaniel curled in your lap
or open a refrigerator for a late night snack.
You don't dream of the next date,
go through the McDonald's drive-thru,
invite friends out for pizza,
or choose your food,
your glasses,
your clothing.
You can't stand under trees (I'm so sorry!),
or see colors other than denim blue.
You cut yourself with anything you can find.
I wish you knew that I am not unfamiliar with self-inflicted wounds.
You put yourself in prison, believing that this was what you deserved.
To say to you now
that a man died on a cross for you
2000 years away
seems trite (Forgive me!).

My prayer is that you will live.
My prayer is that the old story will redeem it all.
Or my prayer is to understand how the story's not so far away
or that we will both be forgiven and free
or
that I will be able to pray at all in the face of such sadness,
such unredeemed loss!
Or it may be that, unable to pray, I can only say
another human being has witnessed your sorrow
and has mourned for you,
and that surely I am not the most tender-hearted being in the universe.

Amen.

Jog the Memory

2010-04-11T17:43:00.003-05:00

I have only one grandparent still living on planet earth. He is 91 years old. His name is Taylor and he lives in a nursing home near Knoxville, TN. He suffers from dementia and can no longer walk. At times when I visit him he has trouble recalling if I am married or if I have kids.

Apparently, as you get older, it is easier to remember what happened long ago than it is to remember what happened five minutes ago.

This weekend I visited my Grandpa. There he sat in his wheelchair just outside his bedroom. Ball cap on. Cotton gloves on. head bent forward taking a nap. He was happy to see us. His mind was quite clear. My husband and I decided to take Grandpa out. I could have never done this by myself and I am too whimpy to pick up the wheelchair, let alone Grandpa. He had not been out of that hallway - out of that room - in six months. He just wanted to make sure it was warm enough and if it was, he was all for an outing.

We got him in the car and took him to... Home Depot! I know. That is kinda weird, but it was the perfect place for a former carpenter. A man who knows all too well the smell of sawdust. A master builder.

We wheeled Grandpa through the automatic door as he is commenting on how big the place is. It's the first time my Grandfather had been inside a store in about 10 years. We told him the price of a 2x4 and he exclaimed that a person would have to be a millionaire to build a house with prices like that! Grandpa built his first house for $300.00 in 1938.

Then we rolled him to the most logical isle... the tools.

One by one I took the tools off the shelf. And I placed them in his aged hands. And I challenged him to guess what they are. You see, Grandpa is almost blind. He has macular degeneration and can mainly see shapes and shadows. But with his hands he gently moved along the surface of a measuring tape, a hammer, a Phillips Head screwdriver... and with each tool he guessed correctly! His face was alive and so was his mind. He loved every moment. So did we. It was humbling to see such an able man so weak with age, yet empowering to unlock his mind with all things familiar to his hands.

I believe God does this with us... when we have been very crippled by sin. When we are blind to the Truth right infront of us... God will often take us on an outing. He allows us to touch the familiar and gives us an opportunity to reawaken the memories of what it was like when we walked so closely with Him. When we were able to run and create for Him.

And He calls us back to health.

Back to Life.

Back to a hunger for what brought us joy and peace.

Back to HIMSELF.

Our visit awakened memories for my Grandfather but he will never again be able to use those tools with his hands. Soon he will be called to his heavenly home. He will dance with the King of Kings and lay a beautiful crown at his feet. My Grandpa's mind and body may be slowly dying, but his spirit is wide awake!

As we were leaving the Home Depot parking lot, my Grandfather gently spoke these words "You know, the Bible says that eyes hath not seen, nor ear heard, nor has it entered into the heart of man the things the Father has prepared for those that love Him. And boy am I looking forward to seeing that I tell ya!"

While WE have breath in our lungs and heath - let's build for Him with the tools He has places in our hands. Let's not allow the enemy to distract us from the work - from the relationship with the Father. It's the only way to ward off spiritual dementia and stay healthy.

Thankfully, my Grandfather's life has taught me the value of building for the Kingdom!

Build on!

A Gift

2010-04-07T08:48:00.003-05:00

Last night I walked into the chapel at the prison.

And I saw it...

A gift.

Handmade.

Just for me.

One of my girls was allowed to make it for me in the wood working class.

And what was this beautiful gift?

My father had one.

A PLATFORM for me to stand on to direct the choir!!! The girls decided that they were tired of me balancing on a chair to direct them. I am only 5' tall and many girls can't see me when they are standing to sing.

So NOW I am a 6' tall choir director!!! How awesome is that!

My dad called his platform a "runt stand". He used it for over 20 years at different churches. I will call mine "E.E.A."

Exceptional Elevation Assistance

Gotta love my girls!

Molasses

2010-04-06T12:58:00.004-05:00

Do you ever have one of those days when you feel like you are wading through molasses?

Cold molasses at that!

It is one of those days for me and honestly I have felt like it would be impossible to move forward when my feet felt stuck. Going through challenges can be tiring. I've spent the last two days praying for a fallen sister who has wandered far away from God. And I have felt God's sweet presence when I invited Him into my struggle. This morning I began to combat the feelings of sorrow... like fighting to free myself from shackles on my feet.

And my devotional today read:

"When you focus on what you don't have or on situations that displease you, your mind also becomes darkened. You take for granted life, salvation, sunshine, flowers, and countless other gifts from Me. You look for what is wrong and refuse to enjoy life until that is "fixed". Bring me the sacrifice of thanksgiving and the Light of My Presence pours into you..."

God knows just what we need. We only need to ask Him for wisdom and peace.

I thought someone else might be having a "molasses day" and could use some encouragement to shake loose and praise Him!

So get out of the sticky sorrow and dance in HIS PRESENCE!

Sunrise Service at Prison

2010-04-04T15:39:00.007-05:00

Since I am usually singing on Resurrection Sunday, I have never been unable to participate in the Easter Sunrise Service at the Tennessee Prison for Women... until this morning! It was WONDERFUL!

Barbara and I arrived at the prison 6:20 AM. As we walked out on the yard with Linda Knott (at the spry age of 79, she has been serving these inmates for almost 20 years!) we were singing "He Lives, He Lives - Christ Jesus lives today! He walks with me and talks with me along life's narrow way! He Lives, He Lives - salvation to impart. You ask me how I know He Lives - He Lives within my heart!"

When we walked into the chapel we found multiple coffee makers - filled with water and coffee waiting to be brewed. The inmates who work in the chapel take great care to make sure there is enough coffee for all the women who attend. They were located wherever an outlet was present. There were paper notes taped to each coffee maker that read "Please turn on at 6:30".

Signs were laying in the hall - glittered messages - "Happy Resurrection Day!" and "He is Coming Again!" Loving hands had worked hours on the signs. They were ready to be hung for all the compound to see. Baskets were crudely decorated. Four in all. They would hold the communion cups with a wafer on top. I was nothing short of amazed. We were going to take communion together!

In the middle of our prison yard the sidewalks connect. I watched as one of our volunteers carried a wooden cross out to the middle of the intersecting walkway. The cross stands about four feet in height.

Within thirty minutes speakers were set up, communion baskets were filled, coffee was brewed and inmates were streaming out of the unit doors.

We all gathered at the CROSS. Over 300 female prisoners encircled the little wooden cross. Some came for the donut and coffee that would be served at the end of the service. Others were somber and focused. Soon a voice broke the silence ...HE IS RISEN! HE IS ALIVE!

Cheers and clapping filled the prison yard.

We sang about how sinners plunged beneath the flood lose all their guilty stains. I watched women bowing in prayer while they held their communion cups. I watched tears flow and hands raise toward heaven.

Thankful.

Grateful.

Humbled by the sacrifice of a GOD who loves us so.

And I celebrated HIS RESURRECTION in the depth of my spirit.

There were no fancy screens to look at. No video promos to watch. No slick praise band performed. Nothing high tech was involved at all.

Just a bunch of sinners gathered around a cross praising their Savior! And somehow... this was the most extravagant Resurrection Service I have ever attended. The Spirit was welcomed and present - proving once more that God dwells in the worship of His People. No matter where they are located. Prison bars and razor wire can't keep Him out any more then the tomb could keep him in!

Hallelujah! We serve a Risen Savior!!!

Re-new

2010-03-29T11:08:00.009-05:00

Life doesn't come with a re-wind button.

If it did, I would like to go back and re-visit some choices. I would like to re-think some spoken words. I would like to re-do some moments.

Last week I said some things I would like to take back.
I caved in to some negative thoughts rooted in fear.
I let anger have a seat at my table.
And I entertained self-pity to a three course meal at my expense.
You would think I could recognize the signs by now.
The "DO NOT ENTER - It's a TRAP!" sign, but enemy keeps using those same dirty tricks because they are so easy to fall for.

God, in his wisdom, does not allow "rewind" in life. And if I began unraveling my life to start stitching again, the entire design would be changed. And I would have a completely different outcome... and I would miss out on some of the most beautiful restoration ever. Re-store.

That's a "re" I can get inspired about!

It is a NEW week.

A NEW day.

A NEW hour.

A NEW minute.

This is a beautiful way to begin Easter week...

Re-membering...

Jesus died to make all things NEW.

The enemy seeks to turn our heads toward the OLD ways of our OLD life.

But Christ calls us to the NEW creation HE has made out of US!

Luke 22:19-21
"And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me." In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you."

Re-fresh.

Re-new.

Growling

2010-03-24T11:14:00.007-05:00

There is a blissful feeling when your children are on spring break from school. Mornings are far from rushed. Coffee tastes better. The sun shines brighter. And if you are blessed to be able to work from home, you don't have to wake with the alarm clock. Even though you body wakes up at 5:45,you can gently tell it to sleep an hour longer during spring break.

Unless you have a psycho dog. Who refuses to eat when you are not home. (He has such emotional issues from previous owners. I have tried to whisper to him, but I'm no dog whisperer to be sure!) And you are never home on Tuesday nights because you are in prison leading a choir of inmates. And you got home from prison later than usual and your dog was already in bed. And then you went to bed and slumber was divine. Until...

You hear a strange noise. You are groggy when waking up. You try to identify the sound which reminds you of water sucking down the drain. You listen more intently. The sound is close by. In your room. Near your bed. What it that racket???

And then you hear it loud and clear. Your dog's growling stomach. And your dog begins to pace. Each time he walks the drain in his stomach makes a screeching noise. It is foul. It is annoying. You are now wide awake and it is barely 5 AM. On spring break Wednesday. You then feel heat moving to your ears. You think your 11 year old son somehow forgot to feed the 75 lb. beast.

You turn on the bedroom light. You squint. You grimace at the dog with a growling belly. You stomp into the kitchen only to find a FULL dog bowl. And a very messy kitchen that your boys failed to clean up after their dinner. Apparently only one in the house is unable to eat without you, but the others are fully incapable of CLEANING without you. You make a mental note to complain to your children and impose some form of extra dusting on their list of chores.

Grrrr... now you're growling!!! It sounds like steam escaping from a tea kettle.

You give the dog a treat. Dog is happy in his bed. You work in the office. You stumble back to bed at 7 AM. And fall asleep with the big furry mutt lying next to you under the heated blanket. MERCY.

What is most unusual is while drifting to sleep you ponder how to make this into a spiritual blog titled "what are you hungry for?"... but you could only tell the story of a co dependant dog. How precious. NOT.

Can anyone council with my canine?

He looks so ready for help in his picture... or guilty.

Does that qualify as a spiritual application?

Monuments and Memorials

2010-03-19T20:37:00.007-05:00

I recently returned from a trip to Washington, D.C. I was very blessed to speak to two groups of amazing women and a group of college students. There is always a sense of family among strangers when Christ joins our hearts. At times I wonder why God allows me such a privilege in this life, but I remind myself that He uses the foolish things of this world. I'm in good company, since a host of weak, vulnerable people have gone before me and have their failures boldly printed in the pages of the Bible I hold so dear. Each day it gives me great hope. Whew! Glad I got that off my chest! I know what a work in progress I am, but I LOVE serving God and His people!

Having never been to D.C. before, there were a few "must see" items on my list. I had limited time for sightseeing, but I was determined to see the White House and the Lincoln Memorial. I didn't expect the rush of emotion I would feel when I saw the U.S. Capital or the Washington Monument. So much history in that city. It is part of the DNA of every American no matter what your view on politics.

While the White House was much smaller than I imagined, the Lincoln Memorial was massive! As I walked up the steps toward Abraham Lincoln's statue, I felt tears sting my eyes. One man. One man making such a difference for an entire nation and an entire race of people.

To my surprise there was ONLY a statue housed in the enormous building. Ok, so there was a tiny closet of a gift shop you could barely turn around in and you would easily miss. But no museum to tour. No history plaques to read highlighting Lincoln's career. Just tons, literally, of white marble. Almost as huge as the Greek Parthenon. Ornate marble colums. An ornate marlble roof covering a marble statue. I never knew that the Lincoln Memorial building held only ONE THING. A jumbo sized man of history ... sitting in a chair. A lot of building to hold such a singular object of admiration.

And I thought about my heart. I am weird that way... nothing escapes my need for spiritual application. Truly, while looking up at Lincoln's face, it dawned on me. This was not a shared memorial. One man... all this effort to remember and honor one man. So back to my heart. Have I set up a memorial for ONE? The ONE and ONLY. No room for counterfeits. No room for lesser gods and human idols.

One heart.
Made for ONE GOD.
Seated on the throne.

When people look inside the vastness of my heart, will they see only ONE lifted high and honored? Am I willingly moving aside any and all who would dare to take up residence inside those walls? I want to build a monument to my God on the soil of my soul that time cannot erode, success cannot diminish, and hell cannot dismantle.

Let my LIFE be a Memorial to ONE.

Change Comes in Time

2010-03-11T09:48:00.008-06:00

This amazing photo was taken by my good friend and photographer, Ron Davidson.

I always loved walking along the edge of the creek when I was a kid. I would roll up my jeans and wade out toward the middle, stepping up on moss covered rocks. I liked hearing the water cascade down the mini waterfalls. Over time, those stones were smoothed by the water pouring over them. Slowly. Consistently. Rough edges are softened. Change comes in time.

I'm no different than the stones in the creek. I've had plenty of rough edges. I'm grateful that God rarely uses the sledgehammer to accomplish His work in us. He works over time, pouring over the surface of our spirits. Slowly. Consistently. Rough edges are softened. Change comes in time.

Just take a moment and reflect back on the journey you have taken so far.

Are you changed?
Are you reshaped by Him?
Change comes in time.

This process of smoothing never ends. Not until air leaves our lungs and we are no longer flesh in a war with spirit. We are being shaped. In the middle of the creek. Through every rain storm and every sunny day, God is using all things to bring about the change in us.

When I look back and really take inventory of the work I have ALLOWED Him to accomplish in me... I am grateful.
When I look ahead and really take inventory of the work that STILL needs to be accomplished in me... I am calling out for His Spirit to pour over me and shape me for HIS GOOD PURPOSE. Who knows.. maybe I can be a smooth stone that God picks up to hurl at a giant!

1 Samuel 17:39-41
39 David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them. "I cannot go in these," he said to Saul, "because I am not used to them." So he took them off. 40 Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd's bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine. 48 As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. 49 Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell face down on the ground. 50 So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone...

Hundreds of Christians killed in Nigeria

2010-03-09T12:39:00.002-06:00

In the United States, we are very sheltered from this kind of persecution. PLEASE PRAY for the persecuted church. They are our family members. They are losing their lives because of following Christ. Let's honor their sacrifice by our willingness to pray and live FULLY for CHRIST in the freedom we are blessed with in America.

To read the entire article go here.

Posted on Mar 8, 2010 by Lekan Otufodunrin/Compass Direct News
LAGOS, Nigeria (BP)--Hundreds of Christians were murdered in an overnight massacre by ethnic Fulani Muslims March 7 in Nigeria's Plateau state.

Rampaging Fulani herdsmen used machetes to kill the mostly ethnic Berom victims, including many women and children, in three farming villages near the city of Jos. About 75 houses also were burned.

"We were woken up by gunshots in the middle of the night, and before we knew what was happening, our houses were torched and they started hacking down people" survivor Musa Gyang told media.

The assailants apparently came on foot from a neighboring state; security forces reportedly had been alerted of a possible attack on the villages but did not act beforehand.

Some 380 Christians were buried in one mass burial space, a local government official who asked to remain anonymous told International Christian Concern. The official said police have arrested 93 people and recovered guns, knives and other weapons from the suspects.

Bishop Andersen Bok, national coordinator of the Plateau State Elders Christian Fellowship, along with group Secretary General Musa Pam, described the attack as yet another "jihad and provocation on Christians."

"Dogo Nahawa is a Christian community," the Christian leaders said in a statement. "Eyewitnesses say the Hausa Fulani Muslim militants were chanting 'Allah Akbar,' broke into houses, cutting human beings, including children and women with their knives and cutlasses."

Inmate Mail

2010-03-08T10:03:00.003-06:00

Prison ministry - well, any ministry - has it's challenges. There are times when women who are growing in the Lord begin a descent into wrong relationships. Why is it so easy for the enemy to use relationships against us? It is one of his favorite tools. He has certainly used it in my personal life.

God is all about relationships.
So what wouldn't the enemy be?
He's such a counterfeit manufacturer.

I received this letter in the mail today from an inmate who is a member of our prison choir. I thought you would be blessed to hear the candid honesty of one woman in process. I have confronted her choices but continued to treat her with great love. I respect her right to choose- even if the choice causes God pain. I know it will pain her too, but that is often a delayed occurrence. An aftershock - if you will.

Here is an excerpt-
Dear Tina -
Hello my sister and dear friend. I just wanted to sit down and write you to let you know how much I love and appreciate you. You know - a lot of times when people are going through things especially if its things that others don't accept as a society or even understand - most of the time they turn their backs and walk the other way or they completely abandon that person along with their trial. You haven't done that and so many times I've experienced the fear that I would cause the people whom I love the most or who mean most to me, to do just that. Thank you for loving me for the woman you know that I truly am. I can't begin to explain into words what I have faced and am still walking through on a daily basis. Mentally and emotionally I am so messed up that some days I don't know if I am coming or going. Some days even physically sick because of the stress I have put upon myself. Why is is easier- to do the very thing you want to do, but it not best for you. All day long, I know exactly what I should do, but at the end of that day - I find myself choosing to do what I want to do, yet is so detrimental to my future - as well as my present. Every time I question myself, it takes me back to those Scriptures when Paul talks about the same thing. Thank you Tina for loving me and for knowing there is something so much better in me, even though I can't pull myself together. I know God has not given up on me and I know He won't. "

It has NOT been easy to love this girl in the middle of her mess. I have felt disappointment and sorrow over her choices. I put her in a leadership role and she has walked into disobedience. BUT GOD is teaching me to ENDURE with those we are investing in - and those around our lives. We endure because HIS KINDNESS LEADS US TO REPENTANCE. If I speak the Truth in LOVE - then God's kindness has room to move around in a life that is wayward.

God, teach us to love more and more like You. To not focus on the sin - but to focus on the life that YOU LOVE.

Remember Where You've Been

2010-03-05T10:35:00.003-06:00

In my office I have some lovely filing cabinets. They aren't anything to look at, but they certainly contain the details of my life. I've not had a history of "organized life", but I am making strides toward change and record keeping. Just one of those necessary things.

In the back of the top drawer of the beige cabinet I inherited from my father, is a manila folder with "Remember Where You've Been" printed on the tab. I think it is important to remember. God does too. He even gave Himself a reminder.

Genesis 9:16
"Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

Remembering can help us make better choices or celebrate God's faithfulness. In my folder I have many things. Memorial papers from the funerals of dear friends. E-mails from individuals who wanted to encourage me in ministry. Painful e-mails from relationships that were strained. A letter from a mentor of mine who confronted my weakness. Bulletins from special events I was honored to be part of. A rejection letter from a publishing company. There's even a large landscaping blueprint that my husband drew up for a developer in Nashville - the developer never paid him for those plans and hired another company to install what my husband designed.
Each item in this folder is a memorial to a shift in my life.

Psalm 103:2
"Praise the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not all his benefits."

I like pulling my folder out and celebrating all the lessons I have learned and all the growth God has accomplished in my life. Gives me great hope to face the challenges of TODAY when I remember the victories of the past and the wisdom gained in the defeats.

Remember where you've been and celebrate where you are going!

Blessed Aroma 2009

2010-03-04T14:06:00.006-06:00

I am thrilled for my blog to be inculded in the Internet Cafe Devotions - Blessed Aroma 2009. Read about it here and find listings of other Christian blogs. Take a sip or drink a mugs worth. A blessing to be included with such a great group of faith living women!

And a special "thanks!" to Leah for the nomination. You will enjoy Leah's blog, The Point, too!

Blessings!

Tina

The Greatest Gifts

2010-03-03T22:09:00.005-06:00

How I wish we could talk over a cup of coffee. To just exchange life experiences and encourage each other in this walk of faith. There are days I am so filled with doubt and feel unable to meet the tasks ahead with anything more than a whimper. Those moments when fear's voice is louder than faith. I know we have all been there.

One of the greatest gifts God gives to us beyond our salvation is our spiritual family. In His perfect timing, the phone will ring or a letter will arrive in our inbox. Remind us. Pushing us on. Toward victory and hope. Those messages are like an echo in our soul. A love letter God keeps sending out - over and over.

"I'm for you."

"I love you."

"I am investing in you!"

"Take Courage!!!"

On Tuesday night I almost always hear the echo of God's message ringing in my ears while I serve the women at the Tennessee prison. After all, they are the group of ladies that placed their hands on me to send me out as a missionary from them. I am humbled.

Now just picture this- I am standing in front of the women at choir practice. I have just finished talking about how God has a plan for all of us and how I believe in them so much. I have faith in all they can be. I've wrapped it up and the newest song we will be working on is about to begin.

Then Nancy speaks:
"Mrs. Tina?"
"Yes, Nancy."
"I've still been missing 3 or 4 meals a week for you."
"What did you just say, Nancy? What do you mean?"
"Well, you know when we fasted?"
"Yeah. That was over a year ago."
"Well, I still do without my meals and I take that time to pray for you. Cause I believe in you. I gots faith in your ministry. I gots faith in you."

I tried to find the words. Thank you's were all I could muster. I fought back tears. I don't have that kind of committment in me. I don't have that kind of obedience that would deny myself food for over a year to pray for someone else. But I have that kind of family member who will stand in the gap for me. From the broken lives of pain and suffering will come the most beautiful harvest. People need to hear about Nancy and her faith! She is the same woman who lost her grandson to sudden infant death syndrome in December. Faith. In the place of pain. These women put a vice grip on my heart that refuses to let go until I am willing to let God have His way in my life.

Then Rhonda *(name has been changed) speaks.

I met with Rhonda for a time of prayer. She has had one of the hardest childhoods. Hers has been a suffereing of the most violent kind. Rape, incest, starvation, prostituted by her mother... beaten, abandoned. She has many scars from so many suicide attempts. She is in tears infront of me. She is talking about how her mind needs healing. How she sees God as the One who can never be proud of her. Never fully accept her because she is so unworthy. I am seeking to encourage her. To build her up. And then in the same breath she tells me that is was recently her birthday and her check to Holding Out Hope Ministries will be bigger this month. She tithes to our ministry. Ususally $4.20 per month. Now she is going to tithe out of her birthday money. Unbelieveable faith!

Do you see what I mean? Do you hear the echo of God's love coming back to your ears?

How can I do anything less than strive to KNOW HIM more. I get to carry the voices of these amazing women. I have the honor of sharing their stories with all who will listen. It is the voice of Jesus speaking.
Mark 12:41-44
"Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins,worth only a fraction of a penny. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on."

Let's learn from the inmates who are serving and giving sacrifically. Let's put in EVERYTHING... that is when we recieve the greatest gifts!

He Will Deliver

2010-02-26T21:30:00.008-06:00

Last week I received two unexpected e-mails.

The first one called me a "nut case" for speaking up on behalf of Gaile Owens. I was saddened, but reminded that the death penalty is a real hot button for people.

The second one made me cry. It was from Gaile Owen's son, Stephen. You can read about Gaile here. She is currently on death row at the Tennessee Prison for Women. We are trusting God for mercy in her case. If you feel led to lift your voice in support, you will find info on the above link about Gaile.

Stephen has a blog. Go to it. Read. Absorb. Be blessed. His walk is genuine and nothing short of inspiring. Leave a comment of encouragement. And PRAY for this family.

http://www.hewilldeliver.com/

God brings beauty from ashes.

Bless you Stephen, for your example of faith! I love your mother. I love you, too. (And your sweet wife!) What an honor to be part of your family.

~ Your friend,

Tina

Paul

2010-02-23T14:08:00.004-06:00

You know, I really like the Apostle Paul. I don't think we could have dated each other if I lived near his house a couple thousand years ago. We are both cut from the same fiery cloth, but I know I would have wanted to listen to him for hours.

I have been really slow in my Bible Study. Taking my time. Mulling things over. Soaking it up. I discovered the order that theologians believe Paul's epistles were written in. I am reading them in order. I want to observe how Paul was growing in his walk and his wisdom.

I've been camped out in 1 Thessalonians for almost two weeks now. It is so wonderful to hear about the churches beginnings. To witness mentorship and discipleship. So awesome.

This is really grabbing me now..."Do not put out the Spirit's fire, do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil." I Thess. 5:19-22

Holding on to evil is like a fire extinguisher to the Spirit in us. Testing everything allows me to discern the good from the evil. If I am holding on to good, my hands have no room to hold on to evil too. When we have been wronged, we often hold onto it. It is easy to do... but then our hands get so full they can't hold anything else. No peace. No Joy. And you can't work when your hands are full of the darkness of this world. But try holding God's good character, faith, obedience and trust. God's work always gets done! I want to learn to let things go. I may be on this lesson for a few more months. :) Just sayin'.

So, in this season of sutdy, I'm lovin' Paul! An amazing mentor and friend to my Spirit. Try reading his letters in order and watch HIS journey inspire yours!

I Thessalonians
II Thessalonians
I Corinthians
II Corinthians
Galatians
Romans
Ephesians
Philippians
Colossians
Philemon
Hebrews (?) Some question if Paul wrote this book
Titus
I Timothy
II Timothy

Join Me in the Journey!

2010-02-22T10:10:00.013-06:00

God has taken me on quite a ride these last 5 years! You see, I always saw myself as a singer only. That is until working in prison ministry. I began to teach the women during choir practice. Teaching gave way to writing and God awakened me to the calling on my life. Embracing teaching through word AND song combined.

I have been blessed over the last year to travel and speak to many women. It is absolute JOY to my soul. God is opening doors and I am growing and learning. Now I am seeking additional contacts to expand the ministry and let leaders know what we offer. If you think of a Women's Ministry Leader that might be interested in hosting an event with me, please let me know.

Feel free to e-mail me through the contact page on my Website.

Women's Retreats - a Friday evening and Saturday morning- two or three sessions. Based on your individual needs and theme.

Special Event - A Friday evening or Saturday brunch of teaching and music.

Leadership Teams Seminar - Equipping leaders to engage your ladies in service beyond church walls.

College Ministry - an event to engage students in authentic dialogue about impacting their generation.

Thanks for considering how you might help in connecting this ministry with others! Blessings to you and may GOD multiply the works of your hands!

Tina

Psalm 40

GPS

2010-02-19T08:49:00.008-06:00

I have no sense of direction. Truly. N.O.N.E.

I cannot emphasize this enough!

GPS was created with me in mind. And I am thankful.

But what happens when they shut down a part of the interstate? And you are re-routed? And then you reach into your purse and you realize your phone is still at home. You cannot call your map of a husband. You cannot call your interstate savvy best friends.

You consult with Bertha (your GPS with a deep voice) and she tells you to turn around. Once you are headed back to the place where the interstate is closed down you realize that GPS Bertha will keep leading you to the section of the interstate where the DETOUR sign lives.

The real problem came with the detour. You have a choice of going South or North. You knew the word South made you feel more warm and fuzzy inside. So you went South. However, it dawns on you that most people rarely say, "The entire day went North from there". So, now Southward direction has lost appeal. And GPS Bertha is screaming "When possible make a U turn".

You are confused.

You are lost.

You are LATE.

You are alone with your own thoughts and your limited understanding of the one thing that can provide rescue.

You pray.

You grab the GPS and ask it for the route to your destination with least use of freeways.

You see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It took an hour and 15 minutes longer to arrive... but you safely pull your car into the parking lot and breathe a sigh of great relief.

Isn't it often this way with God? We have our limited understanding of Him while we are traveling on the road of life. We often try other resources first. They are bound to fail us. We seek with our own understanding and find we are headed South. Then we finally ask HIM again - and we realize that we can follow HIM with trust. Our time of struggle and human reasoning may have detoured us even further, but God always has a way of delivering us to our destination. We may arrive late in our own timing, but HE is right on time.

And you promise yourself - from now on you will not leave home without a MAP and alternate directions. Always lean on the G.P.S. - God Positioning System - and not your own limited understanding.

Wisdom - it's what we learn from our trips that head South.

My Girl

2010-02-11T06:51:00.007-06:00

I am mother to three boys. I LOVE them more than I can express. I am also "mom" to one daughter... an adoption of heart you might say. She is my spiritual daughter... I am trusting in faith for that, as she has yet to accept Christ. She's been at our institution since she was 15. I met her on her 18th birthday. She is 22 today. You can read about her here.

I am pleased to be able to share a picture of us - with her permission. It is the only one we have and was a MIRACLE that we were able to even capture that moment at our last Christmas Concert.

Two weeks ago, on a regular Tuesday night at choir, Samantha asked me to help her sing. In the past I have heard her attempt to sing. She was so filled with fear that her throat would close up and notes would eek out - often off pitch. When I heard her sing for the very first time she was 18 and shook so badly she had to hold on to the podium. Another time she abandoned it all together and walked off stage. Much has changed over these years. She has grown in confidence. She is more mature and settled. I just have hesitated about her singing because I did not want her to embarrass herself in front of inmates. They have a way of throwing away your confidence.

When she asked me to help her sing last week, I agreed. I simply stood beside her and listened. Her voice filled my ear and it was BEAUTIFUL! It has vibrato and a soothing, warm tone. Her fear has dissipated. When we finished singing together, she looked up from her seat and said, "That is my favorite thing that has happened all week. It was like my mom was helping me learn something." I praised her with hugs and smiles! She truly has a lovely voice! Next, she took the microphone and sang in front of the choir. A solo.

I could have cried.

My girl has her first solo this coming Tuesday! She is singing at our Memorial Service for two officers that have passed. I am VERY PROUD! I am also very aware of what happens when we love the forgotten and hurting.

They Bloom. Right before our eyes. And God smiles. And God hugs us. He's proud.

So spend some time in the garden of your life... nurture even the weeds around you and watch what can happen.

Isn't my girl a beautiful bloom?!

Gaile Owens Update

2010-02-02T21:59:00.003-06:00

Thank you all for the letters you have written about my friend Gaile who is on death row in TN. You can read about her case here.

While in prison tonight I learned that Gaile has not heard anything yet from the Governor. I also learned that the Governor's office has been SWAMPED with public outrage and outcry!!! So much so that they have asked people in Gaile's camp to let up. I think that is amazing - people from all over the US have responded.

Gaile may be assigned an execution date on this Friday. The Governor can still stop the execution once a date is set. He may do so closer to him leaving office so he deals with no public backlash from either side. This is every bit as much a political move as it is about a woman's life. Politics play a part in all decisions that are handed down - to be sure.

Gaile remains strong and has been so blessed by the many letters people have written to her. If you would like to send Gaile a greeting card of encouragement. Address your letter as you see below.

Gaile Owens #109737
3881 Stewarts Lane U-3
Nashville, TN 37218

Let her know you learned about her case through my blog. I want her to know how all the volunteers have been cheering her on!

Blessings to each of you! Keep praying. We are all very hopeful!!!!

~ Tina

Inmate Letter

2010-02-01T10:18:00.002-06:00

I love to get mail from my choir members. It is my only real point of personal contact with the struggles they may be facing. Since I lead such a large group, it is hard to get much face time. A wonderful letter arrived this week. I wanted to share an exerpt with you. There is nothing so encouraging as seeing women awaken to spiritual truth!

"Mrs. Tina and Barbara,
...I was meditating on a passage in Colossians 1:13-27 which was my daily reading, when I realized what it was saying. It was telling that God's Spirit lives inside our bodies from the moment we give our lives to him. It was so clear, when we walk God walks, our arms are his arms, God really does dwel inside us. Hallelujah, Praise God. I always knew our bodies were his temples and now I understand why. God is working miracles in my life and the lives of people around me. He shows me that I am loved and cherished. "

Isn't that AWESOME! When we learn the power of God lives in us... that gives us power to overcome. Hope your day is blessed today as you seek to live fully in all God is teaching you about Himself.

Snow Fall Redemption

2010-01-29T22:07:00.005-06:00

When I look out at my yard all snowy and white... the grass has disappeared.

As well as the dirt and mud beneath the grass.

Everything is under a blanket of snowflakes in mass.

I can't help but think about how all my mud- my sin- is covered by HIM and I am made white as snow. It makes my heart smile. And it makes me happy that my son likes making snow angels!

The blessing by faith, I receive from above;
Oh, glory! my soul is made perfect in love;
My prayer has prevailed, and this moment I know,
The blood is applied, I am whiter than snow.

Heavy

2010-01-26T22:05:00.005-06:00

Tonight as we entered prison we were prepared for a large monthly service in the gym. Once through the checkpoint, we learned the service was cancelled.

When inmates began coming into the choir room there were tears. One woman was weeping over concern for her daughter who has been out of contact for longer than normal. Another was crying because her parole was put off for a year. One young girl was in despair over bad choices. Another had just gone through the anniversary of her horrific crime and the guilt that eats at her.

Lastly, the tears of a woman that was grieving. Her two year old grandson was hit by a car and killed in TX. Wrenching - the pain of it all.

I stood before them. I interrupted the song we were working on. I reminded them of the reality of pain in the room. We talked about how pain comes to us all. The unexpected touches every life. I proposed that for one night we made a choice. To come together and just feel each other's pain.

The woman who lost her grandson asked if I would sing Amazing Grace. As I began to sing, loud sobbing filled the air. Three girls were just falling apart. Loud crying like that has never happened in a choir practice. Caught me off guard. At that point a few people began to pray aloud. I just whispered a prayer to God to allow me to feel the pain in the room. And I just wrapped my arms around girls and squeezed them tight. I spoke few words. Just embraced. Placed a few kisses on the crowns of their heads.

Sometimes pain is too deep for words to reach. Just being present with the one who is hurting is enough. I could not end the hurt, but I could certainly slip into the pool of it with them and allow myself to brave those icy waters.

When our human abilities end... HE begins.

Feel. When words fail.
Feel. And in action demonstrate HIS comforting love.

Story

2010-01-25T10:43:00.004-06:00

Are you living smack dab in the middle of the story you want for your life?

I'm reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. It has awakened my mind to the reality of the true AUTHOR of my story and how we are either living in HIS great story for our lives or writing our own lesser plots.

For a long time I have prayed much and believed little. It has left me limping through my story.

Only in the last few years have I allowed GOD to have HIS pen back. To allow HIM to write me better than I was writing myself.

And today, I am believing for MORE. I am living in the middle of a story of epic proportions.

Epic to me anyway. Not filled with intrigue or windfalls of cash. Full of only a full life. Satisfying.

And the gist of this story is that I still feel like I am on page one. The is SO MUCH MORE to do and discover. SO MUCH MORE to open my life up to. PEOPLE who are part of my chapters and my days.

Living our BIGGEST and BEST story is discovering how small we are in it. How FAITH can fill pages and pages and paint vibrant word pictures using our own lives as the canvas.

HE is the Master Storyteller.

I am on the journey to be a Master Storyliver!

Adventures of a Whimp

2010-01-22T22:05:00.006-06:00

NEW : adj Webster's Dictionary 1. Not of long duration; having just (or relatively recently) come into being or been made or acquired or discovered; different; Having no previous example.

Dim Sum was truly NEW to me. I had never heard of it. For those of you who are like me, Dim Sum is the name for a southern Chinese cuisine which involves a wide range of light dishes served alongside Chinese tea. Not sweet Southern tea, mind you. This tea had big leaves swimming in it! While in Houston, my dear (albeit crazy friend) Ginger, decided we would eat Dim Sum instead of a hearty breakfast of bacon, eggs and hash browns. It was mainly my fault. I wanted to go to China Town and that meant the great breakfast joint was out of the question since it was on the other side of the city. Going to China Town in is literally like going to China. The parking lot is full of people on a Saturday. Their beautiful almond eyes survey our fair skin. We could not blend in even if we tried.

We walk up the stairs to the Ocean Palace. I am verbally pitching a fit when Ginger tells me this place is NOTHING like P.F. Changs. She scoffs at me as I suggest many alternate food choices. She mocks me for being a whimp. I whine "Hey, I don't want to eat something weird like last time. I almost got sick when you had me drink that black tapioca junk!" Fact is, Ginger is a missionary who has eaten rats, the eyeballs of sheep and other unmentionable creatures some might consider pets. A missionary is not the person to dine with when the fare is "unknown." And the language is not understood. And there are NO FORKS in sight! Especially a missionary who thrives on watching me squirm! The Lord did not give her the gift of mercy. Too bad.

We enter the restaurant and I see only one other Caucasian. There are Buddhist monks dressed in orange. Families. A foreign language fills the air. I feel so out of place. Ginger is loving this fact. This is the moment when I wished for a live Karaoke band to appear out of thin air so I could force Ginger to sing "Islands in the Stream". She would freak out. It would only seem fair and would level the playing field. I have to stab most of my dinner as I attempt to hold chop sticks. Bean curd is not easily stabbed, let me tell you! At least you can poke shrimp! I notice the diners around me watching my attempt to bring food up to my mouth. I was akward. Embarrassed. But I was also thrilled. My friends in TN would not believe I was so brave!!! A benefit was that the food actually tasted good! (With the exception of some meat thingy that almost made me gag.) Ginger had a great laugh! Because I believe in being real, I will share this video that mean Ginger took.

I will never forget my first experience eating with Dim Sum with Ginger. It will not be my last, however. I purchased chop sticks and I practice with them while I watch TV. I try to pick things up with them to perfect my skills. I know. I'm lame. But I can pick up my hair band!

Seriously, Why are new things so difficult for us? Why is the comfortable familiar so easy to cling to? If we stay in the familiar, we can never experience GOD's adventure in the wild unknown. We may feel like a fish out of water when we enter the new place God invites us to, but He will be with us to lead and guide. He knows where we are headed. AND rest assured, there will be chances to practice with your chop sticks as you go on down the road!!!

Here's to more adventure!

Isaiah 43:18,19
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

Texas Death Row - 8 Hours

2010-01-18T09:39:00.012-06:00

As I drove up to the guard shack at the prison I was totally aware of my surroundings. Since this was my second visit, I knew what to expect so I allowed myself to look around more.
Observe. Soak.
This time I lifted my head and looked at the officers up in the tower. They step out from their wall of glass to look down at me. They wave a van on into a restricted area. They observe the movements of the parking lot and scour the fence for possible escape attempts. They display their power even from such a high perch as they pack weapons that can kill. I took in the vastness of the buildings. The narrow windows in each cell. Home to over 3,000 inmates. Almost 400 sit on death row. Waiting. The endless lengths of razor wire around the perimeter shimmering in the sunlight. This experience is a way of life for many family members who come to visit their loved ones who have bound themselves in chains through horrendous choices. Livingston, TX is a long way from Nashville, TN.

When I entered the visitation gallery, I was one of 5 people visiting inmates. It was early in the morning. As I waited for Thomas, I looked to my right and saw what I can only assume was a mother. She sat across from the convicted as she dabbed her eyes. She was using crude brown paper towels from the institutions restroom as we are not allowed to bring anything in with us. They were so big and cumbersome in her frail hands. The moment was somber. Heavy.

I eavesdropped on a conversation to my right. Mrs. Katherine Cox, an 82 year old minister, was speaking of grace and faith with an inmate. She is such a gift to these men. Hope. Comfort and a real straight talker. She amazes me. She sees me gazing at her with doe eyes and offers a comforting nod and a grin. When I look back I see the cell door opposite my glass window begin to open. I told myself I would not be afraid. I will look at this process full on. I will not glance away. I watched as Thomas smiled at me. I watched as he shuffled into the tiny cubical in chains. I watched as they closed the door and as he extended his cuffed wrists behind him waiting for the officer to unlock them. He carried a tissue with hand sanitizer squirted on it. As soon as he was seated he took his black receiver and cleaned both the mouthpiece and earpiece. I started laughing. I couldn't help myself. He was so proper and his cleanliness was polar opposite to his environment. Through the entire ritual, he was smiling at me and half laughing himself. Finally I can hear his voice...

"Hey, I don't want to get swine flu", he says with a grin.

"Neither do I!", I reply.

"Well, they sanitize your side. We have to clean ours."

I didn't blame him. I wouldn't want to get sick in an institution either. I know how little medical relief is provided. Prevention is worth all the effort.

The next four hours are filled with lively conversation. Good hearted debate. Mutual respect. Funny stories. A few heavy discussions and the realization of what it is to love like Jesus. He tells me of his experiences with people of Christian faith. Their lack of respect when he counters their beliefs. Their conditional expressions of concern. I listen. I take it all in. I feel sorrow at how my people - Christians - have crushed others in spite of the best of intentions. I feel as though I am in school. Learning. Being challenged.

The following morning is a repeat of the previous day with one exception. I knew these were the last four hours for many months. The conversation took on a more serious tone from the start. We spoke of how hard it is to except when people abandon us. How we are often our worst critic. How we seek to find the few that will love us just for who we are without an underlying selfish motive. I speak of a personal relationship with God. He speaks of his inability to accept that God (if there is one) is anything more than a creator who has removed his hand from the creation. I speak of passionately living for God and for all God can do in the lives of those I meet. Thomas speaks of me doing good just because my heart is good. That faith is a human creation - a crutch. Oh how we are miles apart in our view of God and yet inches apart in our view of humanity.

I will honor Thomas by not disclosing the finer points of our conversations. I can only tell you that I am changed by these encounters. I believe in faith that Thomas is as well. I do not have visions of grandeur. I do not dismiss the evil he has done. I, however, do not find him to be more evil than me. I see all humanity as broken and as capable of the darkest of choices in the right environment. As I told Thomas, I love him with grit. I see what he has done and where he is AND I the blessing it has been to simply love him in that broken place.

What is the take away for me?
That life in all its complications offers us the opportunity to LOVE. With eyes wide open. When we disagree. Loving while knowing that we are unable to change the mind of another. That is God's job. Not mine.

Fighting back tears, my last words to Thomas were;

"How I wish I had met you before all of this happened in your life."

His response; "Me, too."

While hanging up the phone I looked him in the eye and said:

"I flat out love you Thomas Whitaker"

His response; "Love you, too."

My love for God and passion that others may know Him can still reach Thomas. However, his future on this earth is one of shackles and chains. Of being locked away. Maybe, I will be blessed to meet others BEFORE they make their fatal choices. And the influence Thomas has had on my life can be used to prevent another tragedy in another life yet to be lived out. I know his father, Kent, will have such a harvest of lives changed. Kent is speaking to those in darkenss and the journey he has gone through will be a light of HOPE in so many lives.

LOVE - fully - right where God has planted you!
God's love makes all the difference!

Texas Bound

2010-01-12T14:34:00.003-06:00

Prayers Appreciated:
I will be headed to Houston, TX tomorrow to visit with Thomas again. I am blessed with being approved for a special visit because I am coming from a long distance away. I will have an extended time to speak with him - though the glass, as always.

There is nothing extra special about me. We are ALL special. ALL called and chosen for a purpose. I think it is simply amazing to actually MOVE and LIVE and LOVE in what you're here for. May not be simple. May not be easy. Won't be without struggle. Won't be without fear...

BUT when we are willing to say "YES!" to HIM... it leads to deeper peace, fulfillment and joy. Even in the middle of great human suffering.

Pray for me as I GO.

And I am praying we all have continued boldness to be WILD enough to actually JOIN HIM on the adventure He's designed for us!!!!!

Love to you!

MY TOP 5

2010-01-08T16:04:00.000-06:00

New Year's Resolutions. Bah Humbug!!! I never have the will power to last a week with the little list . Motivation. It often esacpes me.
So... I gotta fess up. I have lived much of my life wrapped up in fear that leads to little follow through. The diets I have started and ended ... all in the same day. The desire to finally write music. Create beyond myself. Eliminate clutter, spend hours with God in His Word. The list gets LONG!!!! And I often resist the list. The greater the call... the greater the resistance. I want to move against the wind this year. God help me do this!

I am going to be BRAVE and list my TOP 5 Giants to conquer.

1. TIME - to manage it with WISDOM. Putting what it MOST IMPORTANT - FIRST. Making HIM a priority and HONORING HIM with how I spend my minutes, my hours, my days.

2. HEALTH - to stop coping with food and run to God instead of chocolate. And though that reads funny... I am so stinkin' serious! I'm not assigning a number to this goal... just a heart longing to obey and let GOD fill every empty space. I'm tired of settling for less in my life by filling my stomach with more. (Good grief... that quote is going in my next book!)

3. BOOK - (speaking of books) there is a BOOK in me begging to be written. To be crafted out of the experiences with my God, my personal journey and my girls in prison. It has waited long enough!

4. BUSINESS - there are times when I feel intimidated at the thought of this word and how it applies to me. However, to fully live in what God is calling me to do, I need to have a Spirit mind and a business mind working hand in hand! (That makes my palms sweat!)

5. CREATIVITY - when creativity lives inside us and we force it into a basement - with forgotten furniture and unused exercise equipment, it starts to mold. It is no longer fresh, colorful and vibrant. I don't want to observe the creative flow... I want to jump right in the middle of it!!!!

So, there you have it. My Top 5 Giants just waiting to be toppled with God's help!
What are your Top 5 - or- Top 3 - or Top 1 - Giant that needs to be knocked between the eyes in your life - in 2010?

I'm in need of some feed back today. (Just to know you're out there and I'm not alone!)

Let it Snow, Let it Snow...

2010-01-06T21:22:00.008-06:00

UPDATE: NO SNOW - 9 AM
UPDATE 2: BARELY any snow... more like dust. School cancelled tomorrow too!

We don't see snow that often in these parts. Our school system always waits till the last second to close, too. But tonight we have made history. My cell phone rang. It was one of those mass calling announcement thingies that schools use now. I immediately put it on speaker phone as I stood next to my 1o year old son. We held our breath. We heard the mechanical voice say "School is out kiddies! Watch some movies. Pop some corn. Make a snow man. Have fun. Burn your books!!!" Um... well... it just said school is closed. We did the funky chicken dance. We hooped. We hollered. We made hot cocoa. Now, I still have a ton of work to do tomorrow, but mom's taxi service will have a day off. Yippee. Pajama day while studying Nehemiah. Yeah baby! I firmly believe God appreciates pj study time.

OK. Back to the school closing. Here's the making history part.

There is NO SNOW.
NOT. ONE. FLAKE.
Nada. (I think that's how ya spell it)
Zero.

They just took the weather man/woman's word for it. A lot of good that usually does. They call for rain and the sun shines. They call for sun and it rains. We can only know the weather for sure when we're standing in it. (Here is where I will admit that I did hear the weather report and stand in LONG, TEDIOUS lines at Wal-Mart to get milk and stuff. The weather guru could get it right, afterall?)

So, as of this moment, we have a "we're-pretty-sure-it's-gonna-snow" day.

No snow. Yet.

I will wake at 3 AM to check.

I will let you know.

Ah, but without a doubt, we have movie day!

A Matter of LIFE or DEATH

2010-01-03T14:46:00.009-06:00

UPDATE: THANK YOU - (so many of you)- for contacting the Governor of Tennessee and speaking up for Gaile. She will be so blessed to know people care about her case. I will not have any more news about her situation unil after February 5. God bless you for caring and letting your voice speak up for justice!

Hello my friends,

With every cell in my body, I am going to emplore, urge, even beg you to read this post. PLEASE. I will unashamedly use my influence for what is truth. Below is a picture of my friend Gaile Owens. She is currently on death row at the Tennessee Prison for Women. The state is asking for her execution. I love Gail. She is a very dear person to so many people. But that is not the only reason I put my fingertips to the keyboard. Some people support the death penalty. Some do not. This is not what I am focused on. This is about justice. What is right. The Tennessean Newspaper ran a very convincing article. The link is below. I again urge you to read it. You will then understand the urgency in my post.

What you read will allow you to see for yourself how mangled the court system can be. BUT there is still time. Gail has until Feb. 5 to rally support. I am asking you to read the article and if you are as moved as I am ... then contact our Tennessee Governor Bredesen. Tell him through an e-mail, fax or phone call how you DISAGREE with this execution.
It is a matter of life and death.
I had the honor of singing over Gail a few days before Christmas. As she sat quietly in a chair, I sang "It is Well With My Soul". Truth is, it is not well with mine. Not if our state makes the mistake of taking the life of a productive inmate. We want her sentance to be commuted to LIFE without possibility of parole. So does Gail. Will you stand in the gap with me? If you are moved, raise your voice... no matter what state you live in! AND SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT GAILE!

The Tennessean ARTICLE:
http://www.tennessean.com/print/article/20091220/NEWS03/912200335/The-uneven-hand-of-justice-in-TN-murders

CONTACT: e-mail: Phil.Bredesen@tn.gov

Phone: 615-741-2001
Fax: 615-532-9711

TOP 9 in 2009

2009-12-31T11:09:00.004-06:00

9. Speaking at the LifeWay National Women's Leadership Forum - a breakout session about serving beyond the walls of our churches. Catching the vision of all God has for his servants.

8. Traveling to Death Row in Houston, TX and serving at Mission Centers of Houston. What an awesome time watching GOD minister. Painting fingernails of the elderly women was amaing.

7. Watching our oldest strive to plan his future as a man. Watching our middle son drive out of our driveway to take himself to school for the first time in his own car. Watching our 10 year old sing his first solo.

6. Celebrating 5 years of ministry as the choir director of Voices of Freedom Choir in Tennessee Prison for Women.

5. Meeting many wonderful women at the various events I am honored to lead. What a true JOY to rub shoulders with other girls who love and serve or seek the Lord. Friendship is a blessing.

4. Watching the Voices of Freedom Choir sing for the first time in their black choir robes - a donation from some amazing women. The choir has grown and make God very proud!

3. Finally grasping the TRUTH that life and ministry is complete when we find what we seek in HIM and not our abilities or success defined by the world at large. Learning the lesson of less is more and serving in obscurity is enough.

2. Witnessing our sons as they grow in the Lord and struggle to make thier own journey in this. Sharing 21 years of marriage with my husband and growing in the journey through every valley and mountain top. Family and the health to celebrate with them.

1. HIM. He never ceases to amaze me. Never ceases to capture my wandering heart. May I fall more in love with each passing year. Trusting. Full of HOPE. And willing to BOW LOW.

UNDONE

2009-12-30T00:26:00.005-06:00

If you might be stopping by for inspiration today... well, you may want to stop reading. I hold a heavy burden and chose to allow that real pain to pour onto the computer screen.

Tonight at prison was supposed to be a party. Our "hey, the Christmas concert was amazing so let's eat a little candy" kind of party. Instead, it was one of the most painful nights I've had in a while. In many ways it is my own fault. I have been out of the Word for the past several days - in a vacation mode and neglecting routine and the most important thing.... time with Him. One should never attempt battle without the Sword. Without armor.

Tonight I went in unarmed and I've got some wounds to show for it.

My ears listened to the sobs of a young woman. She spoke in muffled tones. My eyes looked into hers as they welled up with tears. My arms wrapped around her tiny frame and felt her lungs fill and empty as she wept. My heart felt an anguish as she told of her rape and her guilt. She said "I keep asking God why and I am waiting for an answer. He hasn't answered yet." She was desperate for an answer. The one I gave her was weak. Hollow. Because I was too full of me and not full of Him. Don't think I am beating myself up too badly. I am very aware that my humanity wins sometimes. I just hate when it does! She needed more from Him through me and I was just flat out in the way. God, forgive my failure and give me courage to battle again.

Then I look into the eyes of the young woman I have become a spiritual mother to. Sam. She is having a very tough time. She is hurting. She seeks my undivided attention. So do 45 other women. It is like being torn into tiny pieces... and there's not enough of you to go around. It is a desperate feeling. Like taking a big spoon into a shallow well and only coming up with a drop of water. Everyone stays thirsty. That's how it was tonight. When we are not filled up with Him- the well that never runs dry - people we minister to will remain parched. My spiritual daughter looks down at me - she is six feet tall, after all. She say "You don't understand how much I need you right now. What I am hurting through. How hard it is to share." I reply with an explanation of how I write to her often, show her special care and she says " I know you do and I appreciate all you do for me... but it doesn't fix what's in here (she puts her hand over her heart). She starts to cry. It is the third time I have watched her weep in five years. I am embracing her and an officer's voice breaks the silence. "Enough time for hugs... move on now." She is pulling away from me all red eyed. Telling me she loves me. Looking so lost.

Let me just speak it plain. Sometimes I wish God had chosen me to sing to crowds of people and charge them up with electric, joy-filled praise music. That God had picked me to bring that happy message and make people laugh. And sometimes I do get to do those things... but there's more. He chose me for some hard stuff and I can't manage ONE SECOND without Him. Tonight I feel battered because I went it alone. And I was stripped - like furniture coming in contact with pain thinner - a part of my humanity laid bare. Bubbling up and peeling. I felt every ounce of the weight of the burden of knowing people who are slated to be executed, hearing of rape, incest, children lost or murdered. It is all too much for me. O really and truly, I can't do this. Contain this kind of heaviness ... burden. This work is cut out for HIM ONLY.

Why don't we learn lessons in one take?

Why do we think we are invincible when we taste a bit of victory?

Every time.
Every-single- time- forever- and - ever- Amen.
E.V.E.R.Y. T.I.M.E.

I will need HIM to be my Shield.
My Strength.
My Fortress.
My Shelter.
My Comforter.
My Delieverer.

I did not allow Him to be any of those things for me tonight.
And I was in the wide open country of the dark side of anguish and evil.
Until now....
I come to Him
Wounded from the battle.
And I find HE is MY VERY PRESENT HELP IN TIME OF NEED.

God, I just so need you. And do so love you.
Remind me again not to walk into the line of fire without my Shield. Without YOU.

"Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls. For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good--not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne."
Matthew 11:29-30 (Amplified Bible)

Lock Down - Part 2

2009-12-28T19:41:00.003-06:00

Continued from part 1...

After our first concert ended, we were ushered through a short corridor into the next pod. This was the pod for all the newest inmates. When you come into the institution, you must stay in this pod for thirty days. During this time you are evaluated for any health issues, visited by the chapel and educated about your new home. Transitions in this place are exceptionally hard. This is a pod with limited movement and there are metal tables with fixed chairs in the center of the pod. Once we arrive and plug in our amp, we hear it. It is an odd sound I have never heard in all my five years of serving at this institution. The popping sound of simultaneously opening cell doors. There are two ways to open a door here - with a key or with the push of a button. The electronic device is pressed and the selected doors open with a the chorus of a pop corn maker. Pop. Pop. Pop. I see the little indicator lights beside the cell door flash and then see the doors slightly swing ajar. Women dressed in blue emerge from the door. Some walk solemnly, some briskly move toward the center of the room. The upper floor residents manage the stairs with ease. I now know I will be able to look all who have been allowed out of their cells directly in the eye. I tell them who I am. I invite them to come to choir when their thirty days are past. I speak the obvious ..."now, I am not going to stand in front of you girls and have this big grin saying Merry Christmas as if this Christmas is anything close to merry. I know you would all rather be sitting at a family table. But this year, this is your reality for whatever reasons brought you here. And I am going to tell you that God knows your address and LOVES you deeply. I am here just to remind you of this fact."

There were tears when I sang Silent Night. Tears that were hard shed as women who are new tend to keep a mask on pretty tight. As we ended with our last song I said "And now I am going to hug you because I'm a hugger. If you don't want a hug, too bad, cause you are getting one anyway. Deal with it." And with that I made my way around all the tables. I embraced women with big smiles, stern faces or slightly awkward expressions. Most turned to me with open arms. A few just kept their body facing toward the table and I wrapped my arms around them anyway. One ultra tough woman was icy cold. I persisted. "Now seriously, I am gonna hug you. Come on, you can do it! She meagerly lifted up an arm and patted me, giving a weak smile. I responded with "Now there! I am proud of you." I heard "Thank you" whispered in my ear more than 100 times. Along with God bless you. My response - "It is an honor"...

And it is an honor. I can't manage to love anyone without Him. He is the One hugging. He is the One loving. I am loving Him much because I have been forgiven so much. This is my story. God visited me time and time again in my own prison that I crafted with my own hands. It is an honor that God chose to give me a second chance and I do not intend to waste it!

Part 3 coming soon....

Lock Down - Part 1

2009-12-27T08:09:00.003-06:00

The building inside the prison yard has another fence around it. A very tall fence. With a call button entrance. Once you hear the buzz of the chain link gate's lock open, you cath the door quickly. It wil lock back almost immediately. You approach the segregated pile of brick walls. You are entering a new world of prison life. This is a minimal movement facility. Some women are chained and shackled just to take a shower. It houses those with behavioral issues, health issues and the two women who wait on death row. Upon entering the two massive steel doors, you walk into an expansive room that serves as the go between for all four pods. If you look up, you will notice on the second floor, a panel of bronze glass. Officers are located behind the glass, hidden from view, but aware of all your movements. Each pod houses 24 - 30 inmates. It is not very often that I get to go up into the most locked down building at our institution. I take such an honor very seriously. I have also learned the hard way to prepare myself spiritually for the dark world that can envelope you. The enemy works overtime on the mids of women in lockdown.

The Warden gave me permission to bring a guitar player, my friend Al, into the pods and sing some Christmas music. We would walk in, sing five songs and move on to the next pod. We had a time frame of two hours. The first pod we entered is the most notorious for containing the most depraived women. The officer opened their pie flap doors so they could hear better. A few women refused to have their doors opened. I began to sing and slowly they made their way to the 12 x12 window in their cell doors. The Christmas Song. Silent Night. Oh Holy Night. Go Tell it on the Mountain. Mary, Did You Know. Some continued to talk. A few wrote messages to each other with their fingers, tracing letters and nodding their heads. Many just intently listened with smiles on their faces. When we finished, I made my way around to touch any willing hand. I kept repeating the words "You are not forgotten. You are loved. Merry Christmas. God bless you." Looking into the eyes of such broken women. Some gripped by mental illness. Some manipulative. Some tearfilled, puffy eyes. Sharing a message of love and HOPE. These would be the words that remained on my tongue for the next several hours. It is the place Jesus loves to visit. The reason HE came.

More story to come....

Prayers Appreciated!

2009-12-21T22:56:00.002-06:00

Tuesday night is our BIG CHRISTMAS CONCERT at the prison.
The Voices of Freedom choir will be singing several selections. Hands of grace will sign to three songs and I am blessed to bring the message. We usually have over 200 women come to the concert.
Also, I will be going into prison at 12:30 PM to minister in the lockdown Unit 3.

Pray that we will be the hands and feet of Christ tomorrow and bow LOW so HE is LIFTED UP!

Thanks! Expect me to blog about what happened on Wed!

LOVE SERVING at the prison!!!!

What Merry Christmas Means

2009-12-15T14:48:00.002-06:00

While attending the Christmas Party at the Tennessee Prison for Women, a woman named Mary gave me this acrostic. I think it is wonderful and wanted to share it with all of you. I don't think she wrote it, but she surely loved what it had to say! So do I!

M- Messiah
E- Eternal King
R- Ruler
R- Rock
Y- Yeshua

C- Christ
H- Holy One
R-Redeemer
I- Immanuel
S- Shepherd
T- Teacher
M- Morning Star
A- All in all
S- Saviour of the World

Saving Worms

2009-12-10T11:53:00.003-06:00

So I must admit a very weird habit to you. I wouldn't normally do this, but it is too great an example to worry about all of you thinking I am a bit strange. Ah, sometimes strange can be a good thing, right?

It happened Tuesday night at prison. Every Tuesday for the past few months has been rainy. Light rain, but still we just count on Tuesday's being a day when rain shows up. Well, this past Tuesday was a downpour! We were all making our way in the storm so we could take part in the prison wide Christmas Party. The volunteers raise money each year to purchase a special Christmas dinner for the 750 inmates. Everyone gets an ice cream sandwich, too. You can imagine how happy the women are when this yearly event arrives.

With umbrella in hand I made my way across the sidewalk towards checkpoint. I look down to see if there are any earth worms I can save. Poor earth worms are driven up from the soil in heavy rains. And sometimes they make their way onto the parking lot or sidewalk and they die. I hate all bugs except for butterflies and earthworms. Earthworms fascinate me. My heart is endeared to these wiggly creatures. I would never think of fishing with them since I like them so much. And I don't fish. But with every rain, I am the earthworm crusader.... coming to their rescue. As I was approaching the prison, I rescued three fat worms from sure death. I was glad there were so few of them to save! I secretly hoped none of the officers in the observation room saw me, but I couldn't pass the little crawlers by without helping.

The Christmas party was a great blessing. We were leaving the prison with full hearts. And soaked clothing. The torrential rains had not let up. When I began to look down on the sidewalk, I saw too many earthworms to count. Some were already stepped on and crushed. They were still and lifeless. Others kept going away from the safety of the soil. To be honest, I was overwhelmed by the sheer numbers. There was no way to save that many!!! I just kept on walking but I couldn't keep myself from looking down at their helpless state.

I stepped over them - wincing inside. Feeling bad for the earth that will miss out on all the good work they can do. They were perishing in the storm because they left the surface of the soil. They were drowning in the rain.

And I thought of GOD. And all the people who are perishing. Too numerous to count. And He watches them die in great numbers without rescue. Without hope. And I thought of how we are the hands that can reach out to take hold of those who are drowning... if we will choose to not simply walk past them because we are too busy or too overwhelmed at the task.

There is such great work for people to do if they will find Christ and cling to the safety of who HE is. Will we be willing to help rescue the perishing? The earth dwellers need the ONE who lives in us!

Don't Lay Down

2009-12-04T07:30:00.004-06:00

Chris Sanders - Tennessee Titans

On my way home from dropping my youngest off at school, I heard Chris Sanders speaking on the local Christian radio station. Chris Sanders is a well known football player. I don't really watch sports. Can't describe anything past a touchdown or field goal when it comes to football. However, what Chris said this morning really stuck with me.

Chris has retired from professional ball, but has been coaching some high school kids. Let me paraphrase what he described today;

"Man, these kid's didn't quit. They played their heart out. And we were really pummeled at the beginning of the season. We came back late in the season and played

those same teams that beat us so badly and we won. These kids didn't lay down. All season long, they kept at it. They just wouldn't lay down. And even though we didn't win it all, we won in life. These kids will use this token of knowledge when they get older. Don't give up. Don't lay down."

So. It hit me like a ton of bricks. In the game of life, we often lose. We often get "pummeled" by circumstances and by the enemy. BUT WE CAN'T LAY DOWN. No matter what the record, no matter what the score... we must STAY IN THE GAME to WIN THE GAME.

And what happens with any human who calls upon God for strength in the middle of the fight, we will run and not get weary. We will remember the battle scars of the past and how we were delivered by HIM. And we will REFUSE to LAY DOWN. We are NOT doormats. We are NOT defeated... pressed down, but NOT CRUSHED. Persecuted but NOT ABANDONED. Struck down... but NOT DESTROYED.

Let's remind ourselves what team we are on. If we find ourselves with some dirt on our teeth, staring up at a cloud filled sky... GET UP!!!! Ask HIM for your next play... and get back in the game!

If you do LAY DOWN... don't STAY DOWN. Get up! Go on!!! We WIN in the end.

Home Again

2009-12-01T14:25:00.003-06:00

I am going to slip into a stereotype for a moment. Forgive me in advance. I am going to change my mind. Gasp!

I really do like blogging on this site and so I am coming back here. I will just redirect folks to this blog from the www.TinaHutchison.com site.

I can't help myself. I've used Blogger for years and prefer it. So there you go! I'm officially a woman who is free to change her mind. Free is a good thing. A GOD thing, really. So I am gonna live in it.

Come on back. Here.

I have recommitted myself to blogging often again. So let's reconnect.

For Freedom,

Tina

Let Me Introduce You

2009-11-09T20:24:00.002-06:00

God moves in mysterious ways. He connects us for specific seasons of time and always for His glory. Through much prayer, my husband and I have entered into a business relationship with David Hassell. David has known our family for 20 years. He deisgned my first promotional packet when I was 21 years old! He was one of the people who attended a special prayer gathering when I began full time ministry over 18 years ago.

David has been in ministry as an artist and worship leader. He has spent the last 17 years in the corporate world working for a major publishing company - fine tuning his skills in many areas of media, promotion, product development and event planning. When God saw fit to move David in a new direction, he sought God for wisdom. Stunning Creative Development was born. Now David will represent authors, speakers and artists such as myself to bring them to their fullest potential. To assist them in using their gifts and influence for God. He has amazing creativity and forward thinking. He is Kingdom minded and wants to spread the message of the Good News in all forms of media.

God often accomplishes much over many years. I am amazed at the timing of God that leads us to His plans for us and for the fame of His name. Randy and I are BLESSED to be working with an individual who has God sized vision for advancing the Kingdom. My soul is crying out... "Let's go get 'em! Let's GO! Let's LOVE and let's WORK together to see others meet the ONE who has transformed our lives. Broken vessels uniting for one purpose... that the world may KNOW."

Another step in the beautiful adventure. Prayers appreciated.

Jesus Calling

2009-11-08T23:04:00.000-06:00

I just had to share today’s devotional from my favorite devotional book – Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

Learn to Appreciate difficult days. Be stimulated be the challenges you encounter along your way. As you journey through rough terrain with me, gain confidence from your knowledge that together we can handle anything. This knowledge is comprised of three parts: your relationship with me, promises in the Bible, and past experiences of coping successfully during hard times.

Look back on your life, and see how I have helped you through difficult days. If you are tempted to thing, “Yes, but that was then, and this is now,” remember who I AM! Although you and your circumstances may change dramatically, I remain the same throughout eternity. This is the basis of your confidence. In My Presence you live and move and have your being. ~ Sarah Young

I cannot tell you what an encouragement this was to me today! My heart needs to be reminded that God is working with me during the times of great stress. HE IS USING this time to shape me. To grow me. To teach me to lean on Him more and more. I ADORE HIM.

A Song To Share

2009-11-06T06:44:00.001-06:00

"I Have to Believe" is a favorite of my girls in prison. The words just minister on their own. Truly, He is forever faithful and I believe it.

Seasons

2009-11-04T16:29:00.001-06:00

I have been one busy woman! Soon will be launcing a new web site. This is one of many video teachings to come. Bless you for your patience in my absence from the blogging world!

Changes to the Web Site

2009-10-19T18:08:00.005-05:00

Hey everybody,

Some changes have been made to our Holding Out Hope web site. Head over and take a look! We changed some text, pictures and have begun adding video! The television show, Bridges, that I filmed three years ago is on our site now. I'll keep you updated.

www.HoldingOutHope.org (sorry, I could not get the link to post on this page!)

AND there are MORE changes to come... stay tuned!

For freedom,

Tina

5 Year Anniversary

2009-10-14T06:44:00.003-05:00

I am leaving for Montana later today, but just had to stop by and celebrate what God has done! Last night the Voices of Freedom Choir celebrated my 5 year anniversary in prison ministry. I gotta admit, I cried. So many girls sang, read poems, read letters of memories we have shared. HOW HUMBLING. AND HOW AWESOME IS GOD!

I am reminded that the Lord uses willing, empty vessels. He will plant you in unexpected soil and delight you with the most beautiful harvest. This work is neither glamorous or easy, but it is abundantly rewarding.

In Five years we have had the honor of ministering to thousands of inmates, visits to death row, hundreds of letters mailed to simply encourage, and had the privilege of teaching the women strong Biblical principals. We have journeyed with many who make parole and know the joy of eating a meal with them in the free world. We have seen God's Spirit pour out on a service and soften even the most calloused of hearts. We have heard stories of murder, rape, molestation and abuse. Compassion and horror felt in the same moment. Many of our women are both victim and perpetrator. But we LOVE them. Because behind EVERY act is a story. And it is GOD who longs to rewrite their story and He uses the ink of LOVE. We get the honor of holding the pen.

God can reach.
God can heal.
God can restore.
God can use a broken life.

I should know... He has used mine.
O Praise Him!

Thank you for your support and prayers for this unique ministry.
Blessings to you all!
Keep on LOVING and SERVING!

Coming Home

2009-10-12T13:11:00.006-05:00

"Softly and tenderly, Jesus is calling..."

Last week was time of great challenge and blessing. I received a phone call from our prison Chaplain that one of our choir members had died. I was stunned and found it difficult to speak through the lump in my throat. Tears flowed freely as I thought about her smile. Her laugh. Her faithful support. "Maine" was a very dedicated member of our prison choir, Voices of Freedom. She would direct in my absence. She insisted we stand in nice straight rows. She insisted that we have choir robes to "look" like a real choir. She made monthly donations to our ministry and personally purchased three choir robes herself. This week we will receive the shipment of 70 black robes. Her donations helped make that possible, but she will never wear a robe. She is clothed in righteousness and singing in a heavenly choir. She was passionate about worship while on earth...I can only imagine her passion for the King now that she is with Him!

Entering prison after the news of her death was heartbreaking. Many of her friends entered the choir room in a somber mood. We shed tears. We remembered "Maine". We were reminded how brief life really is.

Led by the Spirit, I posed the question - "Maine was ready to meet God. Are you? If tonight was your night to die, are you ready to go?" There was no music playing in the background. It was a simple question and within 60 seconds six women were standing before me ready to accept the salvation of Christ! One woman went home to be with Jesus and six women came home to meet Him! Oh the grace and majesty of the God we serve!

That night I did not feel particularly spiritual. I felt drained. I was driving to prison and asking God to be big in me because I felt so small. So unable to utter a word of use to anyone. And look what GOD did!!!

Ever feel frail? Exhausted? Broken?

God says HIS STRENGTH is made perfect in our weakness. We CAN rise to the calling HE has for us. We CAN run boldly after Him - because we do not run alone. And when we are willing to say "God, I am hurting and want to be available to You even in my brokenness - He will answer and He will WORK. The fields are WHITE unto harvest.

Let's labor... even in the midst of loss and unanswered questions...

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58

Obsession

2009-09-28T08:28:00.004-05:00

Do you know what it feels like to be obsessed by something... or someone?

I remember junior high. I was consumed with thoughts of a certain boy. I would think of him when I picked out my clothes each morning. I would intentionally choose a path that I knew would allow me to walk past him...even if it was out of my way. I looked for him in every hall way. In the lunch room. I wanted him to notice me. I wrote notes and folded them in complex patterns and passed them on to him through friends. He was my secret obsession. Until that fateful day on the ball field. It was the game of kick ball that changed things for me. I decided to honestly play the game for once instead of just walking around watching everyone else play. I gave it 100%. I kicked that ball with all my strength. The ball sailed through the air with great force and landed smack on the lips of the boy of my dreams. Blood poured from his mouth along with angry words. His friends shoved me away as I tried to help, to comfort. Now my heart was bleeding. I ran off the field crying. The boy I adored now noticed me, but in a way that made a chill run through me. He glared at me with disdain for weeks because I had humiliated him in front of his friends.

My obsession was replaced with regret and scorn. He was not a nice boy, only cute on the outside. I became the center of cruel jokes and bullying. It was the most wounding year of my childhood and imprinted my soul with the sting of rejection from the object of my affection. Sometimes we chase after what will deeply wound us.
Sadly, there have been other obsessions that have proved just as deadly to my heart, but God has ministered healing to my broken mind. Healing to my needy soul.

Now I am obsessed again. I go out of my way to meet with Him. I write Him love letters. I read His letters to me. I think of Him when I wake up every morning. I look for Him in every conversation, in every new face I meet and in every corner of my life. I thrill at the thought that He thinks of me, too! HE speaks only words of love and Truth. He offers life abundant and a hand to hold when the way is dark. He will never leave me. Some days I get distracted with lesser things, but the fire of my obsession burns again in me... reminding me of what matters most... Him.

My magnificent obsession!
Be obsessed with Him today!

Less

2009-09-17T21:09:00.003-05:00

Leaving tomorrow morning to speak at a women's retreat. "Renewing Your Strength". Funny how a message you seek to bring to others ends up getting in your own face. Wow! I am in need of more of Jesus. More faith. More of His Word... and less of me.

I saw a bumper sticker today. Simple.

WANT LESS

John 3:30 "He must become greater and I must become less."
Add more of Jesus.
Minus ME.

Then LESS truly does become MORE!

Blessed weekend to everybody!

For Freedom,
Tina

L.O.V.E.

2009-09-15T22:11:00.003-05:00

What happens when you LOVE people right where they are?
In their specific LIFE LOCATION.

Without the judgements humans often make about appearance or beliefs.
Without the urge to dictate morality.
Without the burden of changing them.
Without strings of expectations.

To LOVE in such a way that dissolves hate.
Destroys walls.
Dismantles perceptions.

The world has a preconceived notion about people of faith.
They see us as judge and jury.
They see our frowns.
They see us shake our heads.
They hear our labels spoken about them.
The feel our rejection.
They see us live contrary to our speech.

We tend to wrap the Truth in brutality and then throw our hands up in disgust when people shove back.

Jesus wrapped the Truth in LOVE.
Jesus wrapped his Truth in flesh.
Warm.
Touchable.
Embraceable.
Soft.

That flesh would be torn in the name of love.
He would break and bleed in the name of love.
Pierced for our transgressions.
Bruised for our iniquity.
You can't drive a nail into hard steel.

God, keep us soft and warm to the world around us.
We don't compromise our faith in God's Word when we LOVE people.

It took a Great LOVE to redeem a people in despair. To see past their behavior and into their need. Jesus loved people whenever they met Him. Jesus gave them the free choice to choose Him or to reject Him.

Can we seek to love in the face of rejection? So that even if they walk away... they walk away deeply LOVED.

Rent or Own

2009-09-07T21:20:00.004-05:00

Are you filled to capacity?
I've been asking myself LOTS of questions and reflecting back over my life. I will turn 40 in a few days and it has made me take inventory of me.

I am tired of settling.
Tired of apathy.
Tired of backing up when Fear steps toward me.

After all... Fear is just smoke and mirrors unless I believe what he says.
It's really just a bluff that fools people into quitting.

I want to call Fear's bluff.

I am weary.
Weary of religion. Empty. Lifeless. Sit around and entertain me religion. All flashing lights with no foundation. Hype has a hole in it and hurting people keep falling through.

I have stared into the hollow faces of the deceived. I have been one of them. I don't ever want to return to lifeless life. I want to finally embrace the passion of living fully for Him. To reach a stride in this race. I was made for it. Created for it!

SO WERE YOU!

BUT in order to truly DO for HIM, we must INVITE HIM IN THE DEEPEST PART of OURSELVES. Into our MINDS! What are you living with that needs to be escorted out of your mind? Did fear move in? Apathy? Indifference? Pride? Doubt? Anger? The Spirit has NO ROOM when something else is taking up His floor space. God does not want to rent a room in our mind. He wants to OWN IT. An owner can redecorate. An owner can hang wallpaper and knock down walls. An owner has freedom. A renter has RESTRICTIONS.

I am sick of asking God to rent the space in my mind because I lack the courage to kick out the unwanted intruder. This will take ACTION on my part to walk into each hidden space in my head and sweep up the mess. The doubt. The confusion. The darkness that dwells there. God has already done His part and His light will invade if given the invitation.

I have settled long enough. Haven't you?

I Corinthians 6:19,20 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."

We need to be FILLED with HIM and hang up a NO VACANCY sign over our minds so we can effectively run the race - the unique race - marked out for us.

One purpose.
One kingdom.
One mission.
One owner.

News to Share

2009-09-04T08:50:00.004-05:00

Hey my friends and fellow bloggers,

I just want to take some time to let you know about what God has been up to in my life. In November of 2006 I met with a friend in the publishing business and shared with her an idea I had for a Bible Study. She was encouraging and in March 2007 I began writing the study as I taught it to a group of 12 women. What a blessed time it was for me to learn from them. In October 2007, I taught three sessions of the study at a women's retreat in McMinnville, TN. The group of women gathered around me and prayed specifically for me and God's call on me to teach. Amazing and humbling to be surrounded by 40 women interceding for me. In April 2008, I taught the entire six week study at LifePoint church. We expected 25 women to attend. Instead 225 women signed up! It was an amazing journey for me to experience God at work in such surprising ways. Soon a meeting was scheduled in June 2008 with LifeWay and God opened door after door. I was blessed to meet with the women's ministry team in September 2008 and things looked as though this was God's plan. I was thrilled as I watched the Lord order my steps.

In May 2009 I received a letter stating that LifeWay would not publish the book at this time. I remember opening the letter and reading it while questions rolled in my brain. I was silent as it dawned on me that this was a God Sized NO. When in the human world all ducks are lining up in a row and then the door shuts... we must see the God Sized NO in front of us. That was not God's plan, but He used every moment with the team to grow me and teach me. In time I will revisit the Bible Study that was such a joy to write and I believe God will use it, but it will be in His own time table and not mine. For now, the study will be put on hold. I have been invited to speak in a breakout session at the National Women's Leadership Forum in November 2009. I'm grateful for such a privilege and opportunity.

When a huge door closes it is a time to evaluate our motives. To take inventory of our spirit and seek HIS face for direction. I am pleased to say that God has provided it. A trip to the beach in June started a new journey for me. God began to stir in my soul and he challenged me to conquer more than I have ever faced. It will take CONFIDENCE from HIM to follow through. Today things look quite different on my landscape. I am seeking to TRUST more than I ever have. I have begun writing another book. A very personal book about my own journey and my work in prison ministry. My creative energies are being poured into this new project and therefore my blogging has suffered. I have signed with an agent. I will introduce you to him very soon. We will begin pitching the book in January 2010. There is already some interest in the subject matter and I am going to run hard after God and see what HE has planned. I am writing music and have the honor of working with anointed people to create new music. I am pushing myself vocally... it is a NEW DAY!

Before November this blog will have a new location and a new web site. I appreciate your prayers during this busy season. I am facing fear and walking forward while fear taunts me with each step. BUT I WILL KEEP WALKING. I WILL FOLLOW.... I am blessed with an amaing prayer team that meets each week to pray for the ministry of HoldingOutHOpe.org and the women in prison. PRAYER changes EVERYTHING! I am a living testimony to the effect of their many prayers before the Father.

Thank you as well for your encouragement as I have shared stories about my experiences in prison ministry. YOU have helped shape this next phase of my journey. Bless you for such a gift!

Love you,
Tina

Claiming Isaiah 50:4-5
"The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakes me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught. The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears, and I have not been rebellious; I have now drawn back."

Discover

2009-08-24T13:18:00.003-05:00

When we begin to discover that HE is all that needs to be discovered we are...

Uncovered.
Our needs unmasked.
Undone.
Our motives revealed.
Unselfish.
It's no longer about us.
Unhindered.
We are freed up to follow HIM.

And we are Unwilling to settle for anything less than ALL the we can get of Him.

Running into a wall?
Feeling empty?
Without purpose or direction?
Look for HIM.

Not for the nod of approval from people.
Not for the next big blessing you hope to recieve.
Not for the promotion you long for.
Not for you own self discovery.
Not for the answers to every question.

Look to Him.
For His approval.
For the blessing of His presence.
For the humility required to promote Him.
For God discovery.
For trust when the answers are slow in coming.

We will not find what we looking for outside of HIM.
Why does it take so long to learn this?

The Spectrum in the Sky

2009-08-16T20:32:00.004-05:00

Our prison is composed of shades of brown and tan. Our inmates wear light blue shirts that resemble hospital scrubs and blue jeans with TDOC stamped in white on the seam. Yes, it is prison and prison is not meant to be beautiful. It is meant to be cold so as to deter women from coming back to it's concrete chambers. Prison is unattractive because it needs to be.

Tuesday night had a forecast of rain. We carried in our umbrellas like seasoned veterans to prison storms. It is a long, wet walk from the chapel to checkpoint when you forget your umbrella. The sky was filled with moody clouds that could not make up their mind. Whatever their decision, we were ready for it... or so we thought. For in the middle of singing, "I Can't Give Up Now", something so very unexpected happened. One of my girls began to point to the sky. Other's began to turn their heads and look. I quickly went to the window to see what all the buzz was about. When my eyes first took sight of it, I was filled with wonder. I gasped audibly as did every woman who approached the glass wall. Like a colorful ribbon arched across the sky, was the widest and most vivid rainbow I have ever seen. Soon more and more women were getting up from their seats to catch a glimpse of it. An officer entered the doorway and announced, "Med Line!". Over half of the choir began to exit the metal doors to go and take their medication. They walked backwards, looking up to the sky. I walked out with them... starring up into the heavens at God's beautiful artistry.

Did I mention I was wearing no shoes?

I walked far enough to be out from under the overhang and then I could really take it in. There in the sky was a FULL rainbow... end to end. Both ends disappeared behind the brick fortresses of the prison buildings. A few sections of the bow wove in and out, peeking from behind the clouds. That did it for me! Rules be gone! I turned around and walked back into the chapel. I shouted "Hey, for all you girls who were not called out to med line, I am now your med line. Step into Tina's Med Line and follow me!"
Did I mention I was still wearing no shoes? And did I mention that girls are not allowed to just wander out to the yard without the direction of an officer? Visions of God's handiwork can make people reckless. :)

When the officer saw twenty inmates pouring out of the chapel doors, he began to approach with a look of shock on his face. I beagn wishfully thinking that he must be in awe of the rainbow like the rest of us. He spoke not a word as he looked down at me. All six feet of him. With a smile as wide as the rainbow before us, I said "Have you EVER seen anything like this? A rainbow this amazing?" His gaze was stone. I kept pushing... "Oh, now, seriously? Come on. This is beyond beautiful... you gotta admit it and these girls need to see this. I know I am not wearing shoes and we are all standing out here, but we can't miss this rainbow and you can't see the entire thing from in there."

Again. A face of stone. His reply.

"I didn't know you had no shoes on until you pointed it out to me." Grumpy face.

Oops.

"So sorry!" I say, with a humble expression that is sincere. I knew I should have put my shoes on before leading the girls outside! How forgetful of me!

He then really looks at me and says with a smirk. "Man, you really are vertically challenged, aren't you?"

And with that he walked out of the crowd of inmates and stood watch on the sidewalk. He probably took some heat for not making us enter the chapel right away, but he never said another word. He just let us break our necks looking up into the sky and gushing about God's promise and the colors of the spectrum and the fact that the rainbow covered the Tennessee Prison for Women from end to end. Some cried. Others remarked about how they prayed for a sign from God during our devotional time and there it was on display.

Razor wire keeps women in.
Razor wire keeps inmates under control.
Razor wire keeps unwanted guests out.

BUT razor wire has NO EFFECT on the Promises of God that are available to any who will look up and seek HIS FACE. Yes indeed, the heaven's declare the Glory of God!

Red
Orange
Yellow
Green
Blue
Indigo
Violet

Full color evidence of a fulfilling God. Somewhere over the rainbow... God,in the heavenlies, chose to bless the women behind bars with His majesty and His grace.

Summer Sets

2009-08-08T22:23:00.003-05:00

Summer is setting like a golden sun on a distant horizon and I wave a tearful goodbye as it fades from view. I will miss having my boys home and working in the office serenaded by video games, minor arguments and the crash of cymbals.

Where have I been? Enjoying summer and allowing my own spirit a needed break. I have been poured out on Jesus' feet and my soul has found rest. We all need that kind of rest and I feel refreshed and ready for a new adventure.

This summer I came to the end of myself and many of my own dreams. It is not a bad thing to lay down your dreams. Not when you lay them at the altar of God and embrace His dream. I am sure in time I will need to repeat the process again, but somehow I feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I cannot say I stand at a crossroad. I simply stand on THE road and look to Him for when to take the next turn.

This coming week I embark on a new labor of love... I will begin writing another book. With passion. With purpose. With genuine inspiration like I haven't felt in a long time. I want to run so hard after God that I can feel the wind in my face!

Summer comes to an end, yet I feel as though spring is just beginning for me. Life is in bloom. Something is birthing forth... and it is a new thing!

Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

Say hello to a new beginning... and be ready to enjoy the ride!

Family

2009-07-24T07:54:00.002-05:00

There is nothing so sweet as getting away from the regular grind and spending time with your family.

Playing cards.
Eating every meal around the table.
Swimming in the ocean.
Throwing sand.
Dunking.
Joking.
Laughing.
Reconnecting.

I am so thankful for my three boys and for their wonderful father. Time is moving by so quickly and I CHOOSE to embrace each moment as a treasure. These are rare days that I will reflect on.

When my nest is empty, my heart will still be full.

Each day is a gift.
Enjoy the present.

Walls

2009-07-16T07:38:00.003-05:00

Last night I had the honor of bringing a message to the youth group of a wonderful church in FL. Students are a tough crowd! They are jaded in today's society. They have walls up and in order to bust through the wall we must be authentically ourselves and love them through Christ. They watch. They evaluate. They decide whether to listen or ignore.

But is that any different than the world around us at large? Christ followers have a reputation and the world - our friends who are outside the faith - have put up their walls. You can't blame many of them.

So it is with LOVE that we step up to the wall and speak through it.
Words of honesty.
Words of consistency.
Words that choose not to argue, but to simply live the compassion of Christ -
Speaking the Truth in LOVE.

Truth without Love is brutality.

We've seen enough of that in the world today.

Truth with Love can lead to Freedom. And that is the hope of Christ living in us. The hope that sets people FREE.

Let's live it real while the world is watching.

Florida Bound!

2009-07-14T14:54:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow morning I leave for Florida.
Sorry I have been off the radar. Summer is a time without schedule and yet our days are jam packed!

I will be ministering in the church I grew up in. The church where my Father was minister of music and youth. So many great memories! I love to go back and visit dear friends in the faith. Thanks to FaceBook we will haev a mini reunion of sorts with many former youth group members attending the concert.

I plan on blogging while there. We finish the visit up with time on the beach. Three boys. One husband (who could handle more than one?) and ME (he would echo the sentiment about wives as well... though King Soloman had 700)!

Time with family. Time in ministry. Time in the soil of my spiritual roots. Sounds like my idea of a little slice of heaven.

Sight

2009-07-06T08:02:00.004-05:00

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. (vs.7) Therefore we do not lose heart... inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. SO we FIX our EYES not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (vs. 16-18)" 2 Corinthians

Light and momentary troubles.

Sometimes I forget that my troubles are for only a moment. That I really, truly have never suffered. I have grieved losses, but in comparison to so many people I have met, I know things could have been so much harder for me.

Why do we lose perspective on real life so quickly. Why do our eyes so easily turn to what is temporary??? To our circumstance. To our own challenges or desires?

FIX our EYES. That would imply an intentional choice to SEE with GOD SIZED SIGHT. Spirit eyes looking through us and into the eternal.

Ask God to fine tune your vision today.
Lord, help us see with eyes that are led by the Spirit. To look on in courage and not defeat. To see with eyes of faith beyond our here and now. Give us an appetite for the eternal. Let our eyes feast with longing for your Kingdom to come in and around us.

Shopping

2009-07-04T14:51:00.003-05:00

Warning: This is a non spiritual post.
Men: Double warning to you...

So I have not lost the 40 lbs. I wanted to lose.
4 lbs. Four Pounds. Less than the weight of a decent Thanksgiving turkey leg is all I have managed to shed off this frame in the last 75 days. My Wii keeps making mean noises at me. Those who created the Wii did not posses the gift of mercy.

I leave for FL in less than 2 weeks.
Today I shopped for a bathing suit. (gasp!)

For most of us women, with the exception of the few cuties who grace magazines, this is not an enjoyable experience. This is a time when we hurl insults at a mirror or find defeat in brightly colored stretchy material. And just to warn you... the "miracle suit" is only a snake oil salesman kind of claim. Unless you consider the putrid print of the suit causes hallucinations or dizziness, the only miracle in a suit like that is being able to expand the lungs enough to survive! I KNOW I need to eat less and move more. It is not rocket science - ahhh... but it is obedience and discipline. I need more of those ingredients in my life and less of the extra large print hibiscus flowers hanging on the rack.

Swim suit shopping. Sorry men, you can't KNOW the grief it causes! I think I would rather gouge my eye out with a screwdriver - or go to Chuck E. Cheese three nights in a row with 70 three year olds, or have a root canal, or attend a cheer leading competition or _________________________ - you fill in the blank.

I Don't Want to Be Free

2009-07-01T18:27:00.004-05:00

Freedom.

We long for it.
Hunger for it.

Freedom from addiction.
Addiction to...
people.
food.
approval.
alchohol.
abuse.
cigarettes.
drugs.

People WANT to be free.

Free from...
worry.
pain.
betrayal.
pressure.
stress.
hatred.
war.
debt.
grief.
denial.
poverty.

I spend time each week hearing women tell me how much they pray for freedom. For deliverance. For an open prison door that they might walk out.
No. Dance out - skipping and singing a freedom song.

We imagine what freedom will...
feel like.
smell like.
taste like.
look like.

Ahhh... freedom is the desire of every human heart in one way or another.

But there is one place where I choose to stay bound.
Locked in.
Chained.
Shackled.

To HIM.

I want to stay bound to Christ. To God my Father. Chain me to the Spirit within.

Slavery is my only hope of freedom.
In this.
In this relationship.
In this blessed, appointed, anointed space... leave me in chains.

I don't want to be free ...
from my Savior.

Bond´slave`
n. 1. A person in a state of slavery; one whose person and liberty are subjected to the authority of a master.

Romans 1:1 - Amplified Bible
FROM PAUL, a bond servant of Jesus Christ (the Messiah) called to be an apostle, (a special messenger) set apart to [preach] the Gospel (good news) of and from God...

First Visit to TX Death Row

2009-06-26T12:24:00.008-05:00

Houston is a huge city with a sprawling interstate that would intimidate any small town girl like me. Nashville is TINY compared to this massive footprint of a city. There's no shortage of insane drivers either so it is only the call of God that would make this "slow lane" lovin' chic choose to enter the freeway! In a borrowed SUV no less. That had a broken speedometer. Hallelujah! Prayers rose like breath from these lips as my knuckles turned white.

When I finally arrived at the Polunsky Unit, I was immediately taken by its size. When I reached the check point in the parking lot, I popped the hood of the car and opened every door as instructed by the kind officer. My car was examined and permission was granted for me to proceed. I parked and entered the first little building. I went through the metal detector and was frisked by a female officer. When I informed them that I had a minister's visit with an inmate, they seemed surprised. I guess the capri pants and casual shirt was a bit out of the box for a minister. I liked this fact. God will never be contained in a box and I am always inspired by Him to break the religious mold. After all, this was a visit to a man contained in a steel box and that is box enough.

I was given a large, plastic dog tag to wear around my neck. It read "Death Row Visitor" though the yellow color on the tag was almost worn off. I guess visitors come in with a tag around their necks as inmates leave with a tag around their toe. It was all so surreal now. Once I was processed through, I walked another 100 yards to the visitation building. It had bright green metal doors and a few flower beds scattered around it. Nothing could soften the look of the place. As I walked I looked up to my left and to my right. Tall guard towers containing armed officers stood as reminders of the reality that no one could escape. Upon entering the building, I turned left and made my way down a short hall. Two more sets of green metal doors. Then I saw them. The line of white numbered cubicles where visits take place. Separated by a wall of glass. Again I became nervous. Like a fish out of water, I was unsure of these new surroundings. Thankfully a kind officer offered her help. I was taken to number 31 and took my seat. I stared into the tiny, vacant holding cell. Looking to my left I noticed only two other individuals conducting visits in the room. While waiting, I was able to meet Catherine Cox. She has been working with death row inmates for 38 years. Her husband also ministered in this capacity. She's been a widow for 13 years now and looked to be in her 70's. What a hero of our faith!!! Thomas has told me all about her and how she is a lifeline for many men without family. Her legacy is her faith.

While talking to Catherine, Thomas arrived. I did not seem him enter the cubical. When I realized he was there, I stepped toward the window and we simultaneously picked up the phone. We were both smiling and any concern I had about how I might be received melted away. His eyes were bright and though he had surgery on his arm two weeks earlier, he looked well. We talked about many things. Comparing prison stories, discussing religion in today's society, and simply getting to know one another. In my work with women in prison, I have learned that the greatest weapon in our hand as believers is love. The past and the horrible decisions made by an individual does not have to be the way we define a person. A person God made, no matter how broken. Love tears through walls like a sledge hammer. A sledgehammer with a soft edge.

Near the end of our visit I sang for him. Amazing Grace and At Last. He asked for Blue Moon, but the lyrics escaped me. He also talked reason into my head to not sing half way through the visit as he feared I would be kicked out! Texas is not like Tennessee. In Tennessee a few officers will sing with me. I was on new turf here and did not need to take chances. To honor his privacy, I will not go into the weight of our discussion. What I can say is that I will learn much about myself and my God as a result of this unlikely friendship. I am learning more about how believers live out their faith. How we demonstrate what we truly believe. Fake faith fades. It is temporary and phony. Real Faith is like a soul tattoo. In penetrates and leaves a lasting mark on every life we draw on. Through God's power, I hope to leave a soul tattoo on each broken life He allows me to color on. Hues in every shade fully expressed in the vibrant ink of HIS LOVE.

The two hours passed so quickly! Goodbye was far from somber and I left my chair with a full heart. How good is God that He will encourage us in the darkest dungeon of existence? Touch us when we can't reach out and touch the human behind the glass. I kept looking back as I was walking away but I never caught another glimpse of him. The officers were putting his shackles back on his hands and my view was obscured. But I knew he had been greatly encouraged by our visit... God be praised for that!

As I walked out into the 105 degree weather, I could feel my emotions rise within me. Tears started to sting my eyes. I fought them back as I made my way to the car. The reality that my pen pal was now made flesh before my eyes made death row all the more real. The devastation of his crime does not go unnoticed by me. He is behind bars for a reason, yet compassion lives in me. I am reminded of Christ choosing to go on death row for my sake. I am reminded of God made flesh to walk among us and be moved to compassion to die for us. He is the very reason that I am empowered to love the guilty. I know how it feels to be loved and forgiven myself.

Paul's words to Timothy rang in my head...

I Timothy 1: 12-17
I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.
Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Texas Death Row

2009-06-25T22:17:00.003-05:00

Short update -

Was 105 degrees in Houston today.
Was able to visit death row today and will be posting about the visit tomorrow. Limited access to internet and I am so worn out that I am headed to bed. Please come back tomorrow afternoon for a post about what I experienced.

God's power, strength and love shines through our weakness.

Bound for TX

2009-06-24T05:39:00.002-05:00

Just stopping by to ask for prayer.

Leaving for Texas this AM. I have been awake since 3:30 AM. Mercy!

I have a minister's visit scheduled with an inmate on Death Row on Thursday morning at 9:00 AM central time. I have never been to a prison like this one... with it's reputation for toughness. Please pray that I can be Jesus with Skin when I walk through the gate. That God would guide the conversation and give me discernment.

I will also be at the Mission Centers of Houton. Pray for God moments as I serve there.

I will updating the blog often to check in with me and thanks for those prayers!

An Offering

2009-06-21T22:19:00.004-05:00

The Widow's Offering
As he looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins."I tell you the truth," he said, "this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on." Luke 21:1-4

I once again opened my mail from the ministry P.O. Box. It never grows old. This feeling of amazement and awe. In prison the average wage in TN is 17 cents per hour. Takes over two hours to pay for one postage stamp. You can imagine my amazement when women donate money to our ministry from prison. They are state issued checks drawn from their meager accounts.

Today I had $14.50 in donations from incarcerated women. In God's eyes a $4 donation is HUGE for HE knows the sacrifice they make to bless this minitry that blesses them.

My family tithes. We give offerings when able... but I have never known giving from my lack. Not like my girls in prison know it. Our first donation many years ago came from a woman who had never even come to a choir service. Her roommate was a choir member and that was enough to inspire her to give to Holding Out Hope. If an unsaved inmate can give of her resources then all the more reason for the body of Christ to give and share.

No matter what ministry you choose to support... the goal of every believer is to support God's work. To deny ourselves one night out to dinner or one new outfit so that the Gospel to save can be carried into prison, to Brazil, India, Africa and beyond. If we are the Body... we must move together to move forward.

Little becomes much when you place it in the Master's Hands.

A Prison Black Out

2009-06-19T10:47:00.004-05:00

I arrived at the Tennessee Prison for Women much earlier than usual. We had a memorial service for an officer who passed away a couple weeks ago. Once I was in the chapel I learned that the memorial service had been cancelled. I would have known this if I had checked my voicemail. Within thirty minutes of standing inside the chapel coming up with a plan B, a storm of massive magnitude blew through. It took out the transformer for our prison and that put our prison on high alert. I learned it is never a good thing when the electric fence around the perimeter is no longer working. Automatic lock down. No one goes out and no one comes in. Some officers who were ready to change shifts were stuck in their units with no way of knowing how long it might last. Over an hour. That's how long. Finally we were able to move about on the prison grounds. I headed up to Unit 3 to visit the inmates who are on constant lock down 24/7. Every day. Death row is held in the pod that I visited and it had been six months since I had a chance to visit some of my friends who live there.

One must walk through five additional guard operated doors and another metal detector when entering this building. It is the most highly secured building on the compound. After making it through all six barriers, I entered the two tiered room. The women who are housed in this pod only get out three hours per week. There are a few ladies who have lived in this pod for over ten years. When they leave their cell, they are shackled at the ankles and wrists. Not a place of hope or joy... or so one might think. As soon as I walked in with the officer I could hear the yelling. Choice phrases echoing in the cinder block and steel room. I heard my name shouted out amid the chaos. Never ceases to bless me how God can connect lives together. I told the officer the name of the inmate I wanted to meet with. He looked at me with a perplexed face and dryly replied; "She's asleep." I smiled and said; "Well let's wake her up." His face revealed he did not like the idea, but he slowly sauntered over to her door anyway. Speaking through the door jam, he shouted her name. The reply he received was far from warm. He have me an "I told you so" look and asked for my name. He told her I was here to see her and her reply made me give him a smile of victory. "Tina, Tina, Tina.. oh I love her and I need to see her... hurry... open up the door!!!"

He used his key to unlock the tiny pie door on her cell. Her arm was immediately reaching out for me and when I took her hand she pulled my arm into the cell and laid her face in my hand and wept. She cried for nearly an hour as we discussed her pain and suffering. Memories of murder. Memories of betrayal. Raw and exposed... the ultimate consumer of human life. The predator now crumbled into the shattered pieces of a ruined mind and desolate soul. I couldn't help but weep with her. She unraveled strips from her roll of toilet paper to soak up her tears while she continued to unravel. Weary. Alone. Afraid. But still resisting the God who offers hope to her broken heart. She has resisted for over twelev years now. I have never been one who believes in selling God in cute boxes of well worked phrases. Cliches make me gag. God is bigger than shallow religion that presses for the hard sell. Bigger than rote responses to human anguish. I just loved her and knew God was ministering in that honest act of compassion.

She connected with me almost five years ago solely because of the music. It is the only Christian music she will listen to. The warden granted her permission to have a cassette tape of me singing. That day in her presence and in His, I sang over her and into her little pie door. This woman who walks with demons. The woman who's reputation evokes fear and disgust. I thought of David playing the harp over troubled King Saul. How it brought King Saul comfort. I watched as she melted in my hands... how the fixed line of her jaw softened and the child inside this hardened criminal came forth. I sang over profanities around us. I sang over the hatred that spews from the cracks of doors and the pipes of cell sinks. I kept on singing. People begin to get quiet. They can hear something floating up to the top tier. "Who the hell is that?" reaches my ears. I just wink at God in my heart. He is never what they expect when he arrives on the scene.

I sing acapella. I sing loudly so they can hear through the steel. Her neighbors begin to stare out their 12 x 12 door window. I finish a song and they ask for more. Soon I am standing out in the open room and yelling "Hey... Hey... I'm here to sing for you guys so listen up!!!" More faces show up in the door windows. I begin to sing Amazing Grace and about half way through it women begin to shout. Not the normal shouting that happens... shouts of praise instead. They are cheering and saying "Thank you, Jesus!" I see one woman with her hand raised to heaven while her face was wet with tears. I can hear a set of voices, muffled in the distance, singing with me. I closed my eyes for it was almost too much. Too much for my own soul to soak up.

Beautiful flowers can bloom in the middle of hardened clay. They bust through the rocky earth one centimeter at a time until they reach open air. The roots may be locked in place, but they can still get enough nourishment to allow the bloom to open. God breaks though hardend hearts one centimeter at a time. We must be patient and not abandon the seed before it comes to life.

As I walked away from Unit 3, my heart was full. My passion was fueled. God used the forgotten women of our world to make me remember. God loves. God lives. God walks into the empty spaces and fills them with radiant Light of Christ.

How I pray that more and more believers will leave the comfort of the pew to reach their hands out to the Divine and join Him in the work of serving in the refuse heap of human carnage. The junk yard is where God finds His most beautiful treasures. Embark on your own treasure hunt today!

Under a Palm Tree

2009-06-10T10:10:00.003-05:00

Earlier in the day I had observed a blonde woman sitting by the pool. What made me notice her was her tiny dog in her purse. One of those cute white dogs that resemble cotton balls. She pulled out a beer from her purse and sipped on it while petting her dogs head. I could gather she was a woman of means based on her clothing and jewelry. I admit to being quite a people watcher... and I can create life scenarios for them in a flash based only on perception. We left the poolside and I thought nothing more of this woman and her dog.

Later in the day my friends decided they would ride the waves on Jet Skis. I would not even consider it but promised to stay on the sand and watch. I looked everywhere for some shade as I am white as a sheet. This was an unexpected trip for me and my skin would cry if I let it burn. So... I looked for shade. I saw a few palm trees and put my towel out under them. I was alone in this area of the beach. I watched my friends speed across the water for a few minutes and decided to lay down for a little nap. When I opened my eyes the woman and her dog were finding a spot under the palms as well. She was many chairs down from me but I said "Hi. I like your dog". She got up and came over to sit right next to me. When I saw her up close I could tell she had been a recipient of a face lift as well as other cosmetic adjustments.

We began to talk. What started as casual conversation soon led to more serious things. I never revealed that I was a minister until the last 15 minutes. She was drowning her sorrows in her beer and I began to pray "God, show me what you want me to do here. What to say."

She told a deeply moving sad story about family wounds, incarceration and heartbreak. Nothing is ever as it seems at first glance. This well traveled woman was a lonely woman. A woman who believed in God and was a Christian, but was hurting so profoundly that she could not hide the pain. I looked her dead in the eye and said; "Suzette, you and I were meant to meet today... under this palm tree. God loves you so much to send this message to you from a complete stranger. I'm going to pray for you..."

And right then and there this well put together woman with her bomb shell body and magazine hair began to weep. She slid over to me and extended both her hands and I prayed. She cried and God heard those cries. When we finished praying we both began to go our separate ways. She reached out and took me by the arm.

"I don't know how to tell you this without sounding corny, but this has touched my soul. You are a special woman with real angels around you. Thank you. I haven't told anyone what I shared with a perfect stranger today and I know God sent you to me." And with those words and another tearful embrace we said goodbye. I watched her walk away and I marveled at my amazing God who can minister through the mask of money, through the clouded mind created by cans of Bud Light, and in the sand near the Tiki Bar. He's is only waiting for us to be obedient and willing to be used by Him no matter what the location or the surroundings.

He reaches out a hand to the broken...

Through YOU and ME.

A Room with a View

2009-06-08T16:26:00.005-05:00

The view out my window....

My sole purpose of coming to Florida is to work on a book I am writing. Friends graciously invited me to tag along with them. While they are soaking up the sun, I am listening to the waves and writing. It can be a challenge to step up to a new thing and follow through. I am seeking to do just that. Finish what God called me to. That is a daunting task when fear laughs in your face.

Fear is loud.
Fear is an obnoxious guest who was never invited in the first place.
Fear is a party crasher.

Faith is the only bouncer strong enough to kick fear out the door.

I'm just sayin'... fear can still live in a room with a view if we allow him to stay.

Good bye, Fear. So long.

God will finish what He started.

The Beach

2009-06-07T21:20:00.002-05:00

So I am sitting on a balcony in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. The moon is shining brightly and the sound of the ocean fills my ears. The ocean is alive with movement in the moonlight. So beautiful. And it brings to mind my wonderful Creator. His majesty revealed in his creation.

Here on the shores of the beach... where people party, show their skin and seek to "hook up" with someone new for the week. Here in the midst of endless human searching and empty living. Here where sand meets shore... the sound of God's love remains a constant. Wave after wave. Singing His praises. Echoing His wonder.

The background noise that can change the world.

Is anybody listening?

Rise above the din of earthly chaos and join in God's endless crashing chorus of LOVE.